Thought Broadcasting

I.M.P.O.S.S.I.B.L.E

2010-05-17T21:38:00.002+08:00

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to loveI did, I did
And you were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless,
I forgot
I did

And now when all is done
There is nothing to say
You have gone and so effortlessly
You have won
You can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof top
Write it on the sky love
All we had is gone now
Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worst
Broken trust and broken hearts
I know, I know

Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love is worst
Empty promises will wearI know (i know)
And know when all is gone
There is nothing to say
And if you're done with embarrassing me
On your own you can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof top
Write it on the sky love
All we had is gone now
Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be

Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did, I did

When I Look At You

2010-05-17T15:44:00.002+08:00

I always thought Nick Sparks writing was a bit boring..Kinda heavy and mellow.Situations you would never want to be in,however happened in reality.Some can even relate to my life.

Currently after reading this book,I'm addicted to his books.

Everybody needs inspiration,

Everybody needs a song

A beautiful melody

When the nights so long

Cause there is no guarantee

That this life is easy...

Yea when my world is falling apart

When there's no light to break up the dark

That's when I, I...I look at you

When the waves

Are flooding the shore and I can't

Find my way home anymore

That's when I, I...I look at you

When I look At You

I see forgiveness

I see the truth

You love me for who I am

Like the stars

Hold the moon

Right there where they belong

And I Know I'm Not Alone.

Yea when my world is falling apart

When there's no light to break up the dark

That's when I, I...I look at you

When the wavesAre flooding the shore

and I can'tFind my way home anymore

That's when I, I...I look at you

You appear just like a dream to me

Just like Kaleidoscope colors that

Cover Me,

All I need every

Breath that I breathe don't you know

You're beautiful...Yea Yea Yea

When the wavesAre flooding the shore

and I can'tFind my way home anymore

That's when I, I...I look at you

I look at you

Yea Yea Oh OH OH

And you appear Just like a dreamTo me.

I Don't Believe You

2010-04-12T18:29:00.001+08:00

I don't mind it
I don't mind at all
It's like you're the swing set
And I'm the kid that falls
It's like the way we fight
The times I've cried
We come to blows
And every night
The passion's there
So it's got to be right
Right?

No I don't believe you
When you say don't come around here no more
I won't remind you
You said we wouldn't be apart
No I don't believe you
When you say you don't need me anymore
So don't pretend to
Not love me at all

I don't mind it
I still don't mind at all
It's like one of those bad dreams
When you can't wake up
It looks like you've given up
You've had enough
But I want more
No I won't stop
Because I just know
You'll come around
Right?

No I don't believe you
When you say don't come around here no more
I won't remind you
You said we wouldn't be apart
No I don't believe you
When you say you don't need me anymore
So don't pretend to
Not love me at all

Just don't stand there and watch me fall
Because I, because I still don't mind at all
It's like the way we fight
The times I've cried
We come to blows
And every night
The passion's there
So it's got to be right,Right?

No I don't believe you
When you say don't come around here no more
I won't remind you
You said we wouldn't be apart
No I don't believe you
When you say you don't need me anymore
So don't pretend to
Not love me at all
I don't believe you

2010-04-08T20:59:00.002+08:00

Location: Doctor's pantry in General OT

An orthopaedic surgeon walked in into the pantry while a housemen was sitting quietly,alone having her lunch.

Orthopaedic surgeon: Apa masalah ko ha?
Housemen : (appeared startled)Huh?(aku salah buat kerja ke ape???nak explaination letter lagi ke?)
Orthopaedic surgeon: Aku nampak ko macam bermasalah je sejak kebelakangan ini....
Housemen : Ye ke??
Orthopaedic surgeon: Ko rindu mak bapak ko ke?tak jumpe diorang ke?
Housemen :(confused)Err...esok balik la jumpa mak...
Orthopaedic surgeon: Aku nampak ko muram je..
Housemen :(obvious sangat ke?..jeng..jeng..ade gak orang perhati,sejuk hati!)

Dim Light

2010-04-05T18:36:00.002+08:00

I was half running half walking..I saw my boyfriend walking ahead of me..I could only see the back of his head.I called out his name,he didn't turn back.Either he couldn't hear me or simply ignored me.

It started to rain.And there were lots of other pedestrian walking around me.I hate when my shoes got wet,squeshy when it rains.There were still a lot of people around me.I don't recognized any of them..it's getting dark and I lost track of my boyfriend.

Tried dialing his number.No one picked up.I know I'm lost.To add to my anxiety,I don't know where I am.I'm getting panicked.I couldn't get out of here.

I continue walking till I reached to several doors.I knocked on the 1st door.No one answered...I continued doing the same to several more doors..by the 5th door,I heard thumping sounds.I knocked on the door.The sounds ceased.

My boyfriend answered the door,he was half naked.I peeked behind him.I saw "the other woman" behind him,wrapped in white sheet.

I started to palpitate.Anger,dissappointment,rage,disgusted...all the imaginable feelings.As soon as I was about to do harm to my boyfriend's face...I woke up to another dark room.
All sweating as if I just finished a marathon,I realised it was just a dream.

I had the same dream for 3 days.

Which came true in the end.

A Must See..

2010-04-02T23:09:00.001+08:00

It's cute..I love it..thinking of getting a dragon as my pet...Where can I get one?

Old memories

2010-04-01T19:12:00.002+08:00

Looking back at my old entries, I realised it wasn't so bad. It was kinda interesting..Looking back at my students days..when I was still wondering where would I be in the future?How different things are these days..how things changed.How I have changed.How I used to be in a constant fight or disagreement with some people,which I gladly reminisce,just because I don't see her anymore these days or probably never will..Amin.

How depressed I was after my father's passing..still feeling it though.Remembered when I started my O n G posting during student days.And come to think of it now that I have survived the 'real' O n G dept as a housemen.To think that now I am in my third posting.

Life goes on...no matter how your heart breaks,how hard things got,time waits for no one.

Brainless misi

2010-03-05T21:05:00.002+08:00

A group of HO's having exam.A good MO helping them out by teaching and leading them to answers.At the same time,there's a CME going on next door,got 'makan-makan'.However unable to start because the quota of MO present not enough.Misi2 sibuk nak makan je.

Misi : Dr. K**,what are you doing here?Go next door CME lah.Can't start now because not enough MO..

MO : Cannot lah.I have to take care of my housemens.

Misi : All this while we(as in the lazy bums) 'jaga' them exam.Where got MO 'jaga'?

MO : Cannot-lah.You all 'jaga',you all lari go makan..and leave them alone here.How can?My housemens felt neglected.No wonder they cannot pass..

Misi : You also stand here for what?Give them answers ha?How can lah?

MO : Where got give them answers?I teach them what...

Misi : Alah,no need to teach them lah...

MO : Where can??

New stuffs

2010-03-02T20:09:00.002+08:00

Shall I invest in a digicam?

On my first pay,I invested for a queen size dunlopillo orthorest mattress.Which turns out to be a good investment.I thought of a hot tub next...Hehe,don't know where it will fit in my tiny apartment.

My first day in clinics.It's like when you're in a nightmare,wondering through the dark without proper guidance.Occasionally being told when and where to turn or walk.

I'm satisfied today.Had my fair share in being a bitch and a good samaritan.Good samaritan as in helping out some friends in need.Bitch as in,on the roads.
Some guys just couldn't stand when women drives...

Having one of my pre-call depressions..

The Drive

2010-03-01T21:03:00.002+08:00

Do you know the feeling we get when the holiday is over?When our escape from our real world was over?The trip back to the real world..the inner feelings that we need to fight off during the journey back.The urge to actually turn back while we can..and truly escape.

I had that today

I speak again

2010-02-28T20:37:00.003+08:00

I'm finally speaking again..after a long silence.Guess that many things had happened during the period of silence.

I've been at a point where I almost gave up blogging.No actually,I gave up for quite some time.Don't exactly know the reason why I'm back here.

Life is still the same.Same pressure maybe in different forms.I am still feeling trapped.Haven't changed much in my way of thinking.Still a failure in being a positive person.Currently in my second posting.Not sure whether I will be extended or not.

Seeing the priviledge Malaysians sometimes ungrateful of what they have.Too arrogant after getting so much.Seeing the transformation in individuals who lost the battle in keeping their personalities,identities...due to workload,pressure,stress..I'm talking about doctors.Those who work long hours till they are no longer themselves.Lack of empathy..Changed into a zombie,a monster who cares nuts.

And yet we still have the one Malaysia clinics...

A Sister let loose with a HO

2010-01-25T22:08:00.002+08:00

Sister : Doctor,do you know what day is it today?
HO : Saturday...
Sister : Good.Do you think that any anest MO is coming to give an epidural to a patient?
HO : Those who are oncall??
Sister : this is a Saturday.No Anest MO would come to give and epidural to a patient.And furtheremore the patient's os is already 8cm.Use your brain-lah!
HO : .....

Rantings

2009-10-10T19:12:00.002+08:00

I should stop feeling sorry for myself.
I always felt sorry for the life that I lead.Always in denial and reluctance.
I am overly sensitive and it's taking a toll on me.I can't work effectively.Maybe my period is coming.Maybe I don't really know what I want.

I was thrown over by free-ness of the current situation that the slightest change sent my mood rocking straight away to the cliff.I know comfortable is a fairy-tale for me.Is it too pessimistic that I think I'm meant to suffer?

Things that effect me most:-
- the current responsibility I have.
- the 'sometimes' laziness I have
- the great housemens that throw their antics at me and I lost my footing and my trains of thoughts
- massive reluctance from myself

Weekend..

2009-10-03T20:44:00.001+08:00

I noticed how cruel people around me are.To an extend that it will shock you.

Am I destined to suffer?Such a beautiful weekend went by so fast.And back to hell tomorrow.

Conflict Today

2009-09-23T21:16:00.003+08:00

Should I envy those who work 9-5?Should I envy those who work in the office?Should I envy those who can have ample time of sleep?

Should I assume that getting to work in the female ward is a blessing to be able to learn to work harder?or should I take it as entering another hell?Should I envy those who has real friends?

Today,was a blessing in the earlier part of the day because mother crab wasn't around.When it came towards the end,it wasn't a blessing anymore.No one wanted to help me do a peritoneal tap.

And the patient irritates the hell out of me.Telling me how many fluids he wanted me to take out.Telling how to do a procedure just because he has undergone it 3 times.Comparing me with another housemen.Wide-eyed when I told him I just worked for 2 months plus.When the-so-great housemen is also my batch.
Being human,I totally lost my patience.
He's still alive.Don't worry.

Time waits for no one

2009-09-22T20:07:00.003+08:00

Look at the date..
Honestly,I almost gave up on blogging.Due to time constraint.Many things happened during this past 2 months.

Currently I am posted in Melaka.Some place where's there's more life than Kangar.According to most people.But I find it dead in many ways.Maybe it takes time to blend it.Maybe the work and responsibility that I'm facing made it harder to see things around me clearly.Maybe I have changed.Either ways..I'm still alive and still feeling trapped.Like there's a permanent noose around my neck.

Sooo many times I considered a transfer.Like I would get one.But no matter where I go,the problem would still be the same.A housemen life...You don't see the sun when you go to work,and you don't see the sun when you're coming back from work.

I've been in the same ward for 2 months.They are changing me into a new ward on the 25th.My current ward has a bad combination of bosses.(except one nice MO).And I'm entering another lioness den on the 25th.Should I say a string of bad luck?Or a string of chances for me to prove that I am capable in working under pressure?

So many insecurities are hitting at me at once and many times I got hit hard.

The Long Awaited Call

2009-07-06T15:19:00.003+08:00

Got a call from the Ministry of Health on Saturday.Told me that I would be in the list for the 16th of July induction.Location and schedule will be mailed later this week.At first I was happy after a long wait and finally the call came.Then paranoia hits me.Since when does the government carried out their business on Saturday??Most people told me it might be a prank.That sort of brought my spirit down.Only later in the day,I got confirmation that I was not the only one who got the call.Most of my friends from KL got the call.So,..PHEW!~!~So now,I'm anxiously waiting for the mail.By 21st June,I might have a job already!That's another dreadful part of HO's life.But life goes on.

Got into a fight yesterday.Still can't forget it.It's bugging my head.

Tribute

2009-07-01T16:43:00.002+08:00

May God bless those who fall while fighting cancer recently.
1.Farrah Fawcett (rectal ca)
2.Shukri Hashim(actor) (pancreatic ca)

And no doubt many others that I don't know.
Your determination in living is a lesson for all of us who are ungrateful of life.

Welcome July

2009-07-01T16:28:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday in advance to anyone whose birthday is in the month of July.

I'm not much of a birthday wisher since I tend not to notice dates.Sorry.Though I did try my best.I also notice that I don't update my blog as often as I used to.Well,my being at home with nothing much to do just somehow made me see the world less.I have a new laptop though.One of my moves to make me prepare and look forward to the working world.Which sadly takes a long time to happen.Up to now,I haven't been called for induction.(Another government propaganda)I am not at all motivated.I don't study and the it makes me rusty.Feeling so negative almost the whole time.With financial constraint,I'm not able to do much.I should get a job.Hehe,at starbucks maybe?Or an assistant at a clinic or something.

Michael Jackson passed away.Sounds like he's living a sad life.And his time finally came.I am not sure if he is Muslim as what the rumours said.If he is,Al-fatihah to him.And suddenly the number of Michael's fan increased from his death.Funny people.

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-21T21:01:00.002+08:00

Picture taken in January 2008.The last trip to Jakarta.My father on wheel chair.At Cengkareng international airport.

Happy father's day to all fathers.

Currently spending almost 5 months jobless.I think my batch waited the longest.And our names still hasn't come up at the Health Ministry.

Right Retro orbital pain

2009-06-08T21:28:00.002+08:00

Malaysian antics of the day.

Scene 1.At CIMB Jalan Raja Laut.
Guard: Kak,tak bleh lalu sini(pedestrian walk besides CIMB)
Kak : Saya nak tumpang lalu je,nak pergi situ(pointing across the road)
Guard:Kak lalu sebelah sana je..(pointing back at where we came from)
Kak : Situ tak bleh lalu.Ada dawai.Sangkut,luka nanti..kalo boleh saya dah lalu sana dah...(beginning to feel irritated)
Guard: Masuk SOGO balik la..keluar ikut SOGO
Kak :(bodoh ke ape guard ni?)Ler..saya dah sampai sini.Nak lalu je,bukan nak buat ape pon.bukan nak mencuri...
Guard:Tak bleh la kak..(another fren came behind him)
Guard2:Nak gi mana kak?
Kak : Nak gi seberang jalan tu je..
Guard2:ok kak,lalu je la sini..
Kak :(crossed the line)(turns at the first guard)tak rugi kan?tak rosak ape pon...
Guard: dah bagi jalan cakap macam tu pulak...
Kak :(with aunt walked straight and never look behind)
Guard2:(shouting)Assalamualaikum!
Kak :(determined to be rude and ignored)
Guard2:salam pun tak jawab...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 2.At Mydin.
Two staffs at the front door trying to wrap everything in plastic to avoid theft.
Cik kak gave her shopping bags to one staffs to be wrapped in plastic.(being cooperative)
Lady staff : Beg tangan besar kene bubuh plastik.
Cik kak : habis tu,macam mana nak ambil dompet nk bayar?
Lady staff : bukak la beg ambil dompet..
Cik kak :(thinking.if this lady asked to wrapped the bag how to retrieve the purse?)
takkan nak pegang purse kat luar?beg letak dlm plastik?
Lady staff : (mumbles somthing) kalau hilang purse hp kami tak bertanggungjawab..tu baca peraturan yg ditampal tu..
Cik kak :(wondered who's the idiot who came up with this rules)Peliknya..
(took out her purse and hp out of her bag before the bag was sealed by the stupid plastic wrapped)
Guy staff : takyah bawak keluar purse ngan hp tu..
Cik kak :(stared irritatedly)kalau saya nak bayar mcm mana? (and walked off)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 3.At Teddy tales.

Cik kak : (pointing to various size of pencil case to a staff who religiously follows her around)
Pensil box ni beza saiz ye?beza sgt ke?
Staff : (stared silently)
Cik kak :(Can't this malaysian understand malay at least?)(trying to accomodate her with English)Is there a big difference from this pencil case to this one?(showing to her)
Staff : (stared again?)
Cik kak :ooookkkkk....
Staff :(still following my backside)

New Moon Trailer

2009-06-03T17:21:00.002+08:00

"Jake,run!"
Errr...If anyone has read New Moon,I don't see any reason for this dialogue.
Well,they've changed the story.Not entirely the story but it just seemed strange.Bella is supposed to find out about Jacob being a werewolf AFTER her confrontation with Laurent.I don't know how many other parts they are changing.We just have to watch it.Hope they don't screw up the whole story.

My interview went well.If you could call it one.It's just my luck one of the guys is my late dad's friends.He was just shocked to find out that my father passed away last year.
Putrajaya morning traffic really sucks.It took 30 mins from Putrajaya Central to reach Parcel C.We arrived exactly at 7.58am.

My cousin got married over the weekend.The celebration was grand.And I enjoyed myself.Minus the corset for the kebaya.

Currently I'm just waiting the call for induction and the new phase will begin.

Welcome June!I hope to see many good things in this month.

-updates-

2009-05-26T00:10:00.002+08:00

I booked myself an interview with the SPA this friday.Kinda anxious about it.Like I was never anxious about anything..

Anyway,I'm stepping into a new phase in my life.And it's scary.

Mutterings

2009-05-19T23:23:00.002+08:00

I don't get it.
Simply don't get it.

Why is it that everyone..no correction,not everyone but most people kept saying 'if you want any help,you can definitely ask me'?Which is completely not true.
For instance when my dad passed away..everyone kept giving their condolences and all..ok fine.It's just so sick to hear when they said they'd help if we ever need anything..but they didn't.Most of them just ran off.Empty promises.Empty offers.If they don't want to help out might as well butt out.
OK,that was a year back.

And it's the same now.When I need help...It's just not there.Sometimes I blamed myself for being too dependent.Which I hate being.Sometimes I also blamed my poor PR.Which is true.I just don't get it.I may have a poor PR.But I never really bother or irritate anyone.Not that I know off.I'm sure I don't do it to everyone.I might not be fun as a company.I know I'm a recluse.People around me long enough also knows tht.

Maybe it's God's way of asking me to get things done myself.So that I don't owe anyone anything???

Stucked In Twilight Zone

2009-05-08T12:38:00.002+08:00

This morning SPA called me up.To confirm my bookings for an interview at their place.Well,I told them any date would be fine so long its not on the 12th.I'm childish and I don't know when will I ever get the fact that I need to be able to stand or at least pretend to stand 'a particular person' presence nearby.So childish and I'm not proud of myself.Not able to overcome my grudge.Anyway,leave it to that.

The thing is that lady from SPA who called me up addressed me 'doctor'.Wow.For a moment I thought she had the wrong number.I know I'm being overboard by just making an issue out of this.But honestly,being me,I'm terrified.It's like I'm terrified of something that's not even there.I know everyone should face the future.At first I don;t know whether I'm up for this.Stupid right?It's not as if I only got one foot stuck in this field,I jumped with my whole body inside the well.So there's no turning back.I had told my mum that I'm actually hating myself for feeling this way,cowardly and it also nauseated me in many ways.It's kinda bad to wish my dad's around for a time like this when my mother tried her best to convince me.Well,it's not thoroughly working.

I've been at home for months and I'm getting rusty.I don't remember much of the medical stuffs.I need a kick to get started.And thanks to my wrong timing,I just recently started to read the Twilight saga and I couldn't put it down.I left Breaking Dawn to read,which I need to borrow from a bookstore in Ampang.And I can't sit still,itching to go to Ampang now.Mad.And my head is so full of Jacob Black.Really,if they don't put Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen and reading the book,it wouldn't be hard to choose Jacob rather than Edward.Haha.I'd prefer a space heater rather than a marble to cuddle with in a weather like in Forks.I'd prefer a sort-of jerk rather than someone who could suffocate me with too much love.Ouch,here I go again.

Anyway,I used to think that reading this kind of books are unintelligent.I'm sorry for my prejudice.I broke my promise not to be judgemental.Need to work harder on my restraint.I like vampire stories.Thanks to Anne Rice,I used to read alot of her books.Especially Interview With the Vampire.(I like Lestat).Huhu.Then more and more vampire stories trying to copy each other.Somehow the gothic part just faded away from my point of view.

Pray that I get over Jacob Black fast.I need to work on my studies now!

I Have Accepted It

2009-05-04T21:48:00.004+08:00

In a few hours,12.20am 5th of May 2009,marks 1 year of my father's passing.

The time of mourning is over and now is the time to remember him without feeling sad.

We miss you.

Noor Hisham b Ramly

13th Feb 1957 - 5th May 2008

Where it all started..a year ago

2009-05-02T19:59:00.003+08:00

A year ago,on the very same date.Wasn't the happiest time for me.As I looked back,I can feel the emotions that surrounded me.Still fresh,still the feeling of something pulling you down.The anxiety that wouldn't rest.

I was called home halfway through OT(I was in Surgical posting).My mother no longer sounded positive.Somehow I knew this was it.But always in denial,frantically searching a flight ticket home.Trying to convince myself how I can deal with it.All failed.My systems just shut down.Amazingly according to some people I still can put on a calm face and joked around.

Some droppings on the blog

2009-04-16T22:41:00.003+08:00

Somebody mentioned to me about 'arranged marriage' sometime ago.And I cringed to those words.I don't know the reason but i felt every fibre of my being tried to fight it.Haha.It's not like my mum is setting up me with someone.I certainly hope that none of my uncles and aunts are doing that.If my dad is still around,he would frown on it.Haha.I would lie if I said marriage never came across my mind at this age,but for me it isn't time yet.

The Kite Runner

2009-04-13T22:48:00.003+08:00

A must read.

My heart goes out to Hassan.

"There is a way to be good again" ^_^

Train blues..

2009-04-09T22:08:00.004+08:00

One fine afternoon..

Announcement: Train ke Rawang akan tiba 2 minit lagi...sila beratur di belakang garisan hijau

As if everyone just ignored or couldn't understand the announcement and went crowding at the train's door.Passengers from inside the train had to knock everyone in their way to get out of the train.This happened in KL.Either they don't understand the announcement or don't feel obliged to follow the instructions.

The green line.Sometimes they have blue and red.Confusing.

One Fine Afternoon

2009-04-08T22:39:00.002+08:00

At the LRT station,while waiting for the train...

African male : Is this the line to Masjid Jamek?
Malay girl : Masjid Jamek?Yes,it is..
African male : Ok,thank you..

Moments later...

African male : Where are you going?
Malay girl :(can't believe this guy is so nosy and frowns)..PWTC...(tries to walk away)
African male :Are you Malay?
Malay girl : (what's this guy's problem??Still frowning)..Yes
African male :Are you single?
Malay girl : (can't believe what she's hearing)..Huh?what?
African male :Are you single?
Malay girl : No,I am married.(lies off)

The train came right the next moment.
Malay girl was not relieved because the African male sat across her.As soon as the train reached PWTC,Malay girl got off the train and went home.Kept looking over her shoulder to see whether she's followed.Thank God,she wasn't.

New addition to the family

2009-04-06T19:44:00.001+08:00

From left: Lucas(new guy),Toby and Turtle

Movies I Watched In Feb and March

2009-03-31T15:17:00.002+08:00

Watched this in Jakarta with the family

Drooling over Brad Pitt in TGV KLCC with Bob(I don't think he drools over Brad Pitt,Huhu)

Also in TGV KLCC with Diyana

Watched this alone at GSC Midvalley

OMG

2009-03-10T22:58:00.002+08:00

Some friends needed to extend their studies in Kangar for a bit.Due to some inevitable problems.Now I am worried about my Public Health posting.I am tired of putting the blame on anyone.It's just it wasn't a wonderful group to work with and an impossible one also.So..*fingers crossed*..hopes for the best.

Good Morning

2009-03-09T11:01:00.002+08:00

Good morning to a rainy morning...listening to James Blunt.With the quietness surrounding me,so peaceful.Was hoping that I live in some cottage with a spectacular view outside.Lagi mantap.

A chance to reflect yourself..and upgrade your patience.I have been praying for patience,so I guess this is a good chance for me to show that I am patient.I like the advise given by Morgan Freeman in Bruce Almighty.Something about when you pray to God for strength or patience,we won't get patience or strength,but the chance to be so.

I never consider myself patient.But I guess deep down,there's some patience in me.I hope it's not like oil,we ran out of it at some point.

Benjamin Butang

2009-03-04T22:27:00.002+08:00

I watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button today.So many things that I like about this movie.

I like the humour,when the old lady said that the Benjamin baby looks like her husband.

I like the old fella kept saying "Did you know that I was strike by the lightning 7 times?"

I like the way he called "Momma"

I like the part when Benjamin answered Daisy's offer with one single word "Absolutely" ;p

I like how sexy Brad Pitt looks when he ages backwards...Wow!Hot!

Personality Test

2009-03-02T22:17:00.002+08:00

Personality test I took.Recommended by Jen.Which I think,explained to me in a better way about who I am..

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

The Tale So far..

2009-03-02T14:13:00.002+08:00

This is my 4th week at home and my 5th week of holiday/jobless-ness..(is there such word?)

My accomplishments so far?I'd say zero.

Let's see what I've done all these weeks..

1st week of hols..Met the dentist in Kangar and got my molar extracted.Managed to survive packing and got myself out of Kangar.Was in so much pain no doubt,had multiple painkillers(I know I shouldn't depend on them,but hey,they are my bestfriends).Developed pus over the extraction site and over my tonsils.Congratulations,more pain!I also remembered taking the double decker bus from Kangar to KL in that condition.Got caught in the rain while running for toilet in Bukit Gantang R&R.Fever!To sum it up,I wasn't feeling well the whole week.

2nd week of hols..Realised that my Paediatric logbook was missing!When it is crucial for me to have it in order to get my final marks for Paeds.Asked the office in Kangar to send it over to KL before I left for Medan.And of course got my ticket for Medan.When I looked on the internet,Airasia to Medan costs around RM200,but when I got to the counter in KLsentral,it became rm418!!Madness,finally got MAS for RM207.Not bad huh?That Friday the 13th was my father's 52nd birthday.We visited him on Sunday.And our usual activities are pulling out the weeds.Huhu..

3rd week of hols..Highlight of the week was that I finally had a meal at one banana leave curry house that I've been wanting to go in Ampang.Sedap weh..And not forgetting I went to take off my stitches in Bangsar.(there's 3 stitches,one went missing due to vigorous mouth rinsing with Listerine).After that,I went around Midvalley on my own,walking down memory lane.Watched Valkyrie which I know my boyfriend would love to watch.

4th week..managed to haul myself to Medan,to settle some things.Stayed over my friend's house,which allows me to see Medan from another point of view.Wasnt bad.As I used to picture it from my previous 4 years stay in Medan.Went on eating spree...places I never thought of with delicious food.Remarkably I didn't get food poisoning.Somethings won't just change in the Indonesian system.I don't know the term for it,but we had a hard time just trying to get our marks in the 'green book'.And..it was a relief when I landed back in KLIA.On Friday that week..went out with a school friend to KLCC,watched Pink Panther and my mum's car broke down at the elevated highway..Also got my ticket for Jakarta.

5th week...which starts today..just another ordinary day with alot of chores.Got trapped with the laundry people downstairs..haih,the total that I need to pay for my laundry rm24.40!Madness..

So...what are my accomplishments?

Do Not

2009-02-19T23:46:00.001+08:00

Do not take the KTM komuter and Putra LRT during peak hours.Unless you really have to.Damn..I learnt my lesson.

KL's road drama

2009-02-15T20:32:00.002+08:00

1.People here doesn't understand the meaning of giving signals and they also can't do so

2.People here can't tolerate giving way to people/cars..instead, they love showing the beautiful middle finger..I wonder if their's are really that small and skinny?haha

3.They don't know how to queue up,they only know how to cut the queue.

4.The male drivers like to intimidate the female drivers and I dare say that some 'cik kak' were also damn rude.tak padan dgn 'tudung'

5.The best way,is to take anti-anxiety before you go on the road..that way,you're not tempted to fight back and create more probs.

Happy Birthday

2009-02-13T12:45:00.002+08:00

Happy 52nd birthday to dear ayah

May you rest in peace and

Allah bless you.

We miss you.

First Time

2009-02-08T21:54:00.002+08:00

1. First time I'm blogging from home.And the dial-up is real slow.

2.First time I got my impacted tooth extracted and I developed ulcer and tonsilitis at the same time.

3.First time that my tummy cannot tolerate antibiotics.

Langkawi pics part 2

2009-02-05T19:07:00.002+08:00

Dinner at Telaga Arabic,Pantai Cenang

Our dinner

On the way to Makam Mahsuri

Makam Mahsuri

Bye2 Langkawi(sunset from the ferry)

Langkawi pics part 1

2009-02-04T18:46:00.003+08:00

In the ferry
In the cable car

Camwhoring at Gng Mat Cincang

Air terjun Telaga 7??

Sunset at Tg. Rhu

Goodbye 38

2009-02-04T18:26:00.002+08:00

38 is the numeric for my molar.My tooth.Which was extracted/taken out today.I have chronic pericoronitis.So,we eliminate the tooth.Haha.Anyone who has regular visits to the dentist for all sorts of procedure will understand my feelings.I used to regularly visit the dentist for my root canal treatment and also for my crown.And again now.I didn't take the pic of my tooth.

The anaesthetics was painful.I'm very sure I will get migraine after the procedure,which I did.The pain was unbearable when the effects of the anaesthetics is diminishing.As for now,it's tolerable.I'm having difficulty to eat as it's hard for me to open my mouth and the pain at the site.Other than the headache,I'm fine.

Well,I am a patient today.Suddenly I just feel the need to thank my patients out loud.For letting me learnt alot of things,somehow causing them pain while learning.I'm sorry for the pain and I thank you all for letting me learn.

Ramblings

2009-02-02T00:48:00.003+08:00

I tried and tried..and keep on trying.I'm not perfect.I might be one of the worst human God created.Ignorant,selfish,self-centered..you name it.But still I tried to change.I don't want to say I'm tired.Tired of trying.Because I'm not ready to quit.

Apakah yang engkau cari
Tak kau temukan di hatiku
Apakah yang engkau inginkan
Tak dapat lagi ku penuhi
Begitulah aku
Pahamilah aku

Mungkin aku tidaklah sempurna
Tetapi hatiku memilikimu sepanjang umurku
Mungkin aku tak bisa memiliki
Dirimu seumur hidupku

Filled with Gratitude

2009-02-01T18:55:00.003+08:00

I have finished my studies(my undergraduate studies) this week.I am thankful that I managed to make the day happened.And also not forgetting people around me who made it come true.People who really helped and support me all the way.I don't know how else I can thank you people.Thank you so much.People who gave me hard times..I don't have to explain here but the whole lot of you made me learnt alot too.About life and more about myself.I get to know myself through people like this.

I hope the future is better for me.I can't hope for a smooth sailing one can I?That's too good to be true.However,I pray for the strength to go through it.Face it the right way.Put aside all the wrong emotions and use my head more.

I always wanted to study medicine.I used to feel so insecure with myself.But I came to the understanding that everyone has their own path and journey.How we reach our goal,the roads can be different,can be longer than anyone else..but never forget,whatever it is,as long as you do it correctly without hurting people and your 'niat' is good..you'll be ok.Doesn't matter if the road is bad or longer.You have reached your ambition.I have done that.And I'm thankful.

I went to Langkawi on Friday and just got back yesterday.Was a nice trip.I enjoyed it tremendously.Alot of pics,I will upload it once I get it.

Happy Chinese New Year

2009-01-23T23:25:00.001+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year

to all..

Take care and drive safely people.

Sad stuffs

2009-01-19T22:05:00.003+08:00

Another post mortem today.The deceased is a 43 y/o chinese man.Who committed suicide by setting himself on fire.SAD.

Other than that,the situation in my group is not improving.The never-ending feud between the sick.Which is getting rather disgusting to watch them lie and backstab without realising that themselves are no better than the ones they stabbeb.

Am also SAD to see a good guy wasted to a bitch.I don't know how long they have been together.Just recently made official.

I feel SAD for not feeling motivated.Not driven to work harder.No enthusiasm towards learning and in improving myself.

I feel SAD that my student life is going to be over soon.And I am going to start working and become a responsible adult.Heavy stuffs.

I feel SAD that my dad is not around to see me become a doctor and get my butt kicked as a houseman.

What else am I SAD about?Yes,the fact that I haven't seen rain for such a long time.And that I didn't get a bus ticket this coming Friday night,so I have to go back on Saturday morning instead.(Be grateful nad,at least you got something)

Too much sadness.Enough said.

Ramblings

2009-01-18T00:20:00.002+08:00

Currently I am doing my forensic posting.I only go to Alor Star hospital if there's a call for a post-mortem.And sadly so far I only got one case.(seems no one dies in an unnatural way lately)I don't think that case was publicised in the major newspapers,however I saw an article regarding that case in the local "Metro" newspaper(cuma northern parts of Malaysia je yang ada).

The body was found in an old paddy fields.The owner didn't notice anything unusual until the flies increased in numbers and the smell was overwhelming.He initially thought it was a dead animal or something.So when the smell and flies was really bothersome,he went to the site one day with the plan to spray insecticide and bury the dead animal.That DEAD ANIMAL was wrapped up with a towel or something like it.And he discovered it was actually a human body.Called the authorities and they took care of things.

What interests me most was the fella's statement regarding the identity of the dead.He said he THINKS it is a foreigner due to the clothes on the body.I saw the dead body myself.Filled with maggots and all the imaginable and unimaginable ulat there.Memang takde rupa manusia dah.I can't even tell whether the body is Indian,Malay or Chinese!The dead guy wearing a black collared short sleeved shirt and a pair of jeans!Come on!Tell me no Malaysians ever wore such thing??Really ar?Hebat lah,can ID the dead guy by just his clothes!Next time if the police have any unidentified bodies can call this fella up.He can identify them.

I just think it's unfair to simply just point finger to the foreign workers if there's anything to do with brutality.People need to change their mindset.Any human being are capable for such acts when the emotions overcomes the rationality.And all humans deserve respect.Just because some are just different and less priviledged than you,doesn't mean they deserve to be ostracized when things like this happened.

I'm not able to provide pictures,since it's a police case.And I don't think it's wise to bring evidence like that to public view.

Anyway,this is only based on the what the fella thinks.And I blogged according to what I THINK.
Doesn't have to be right.It's just an opinion.

Happy Birthday!

2009-01-18T00:17:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday!

My beloved Donkey..

May this year be a prosperous year for you and gives you lots of happiness.

God Bless You

And I Love YOU!!

Reflecting

2009-01-16T23:24:00.002+08:00

I did some reflection for the past few days.I think that my life is boring.Not because of what I do,but the way I take and see things.I was always pessimistic most of the time.Maybe people surrounding me played some parts in contributing,but how long can I put the blame on others.I can't continue blaming people around me for being what they are.Whether good or bad.Mostly bad(here I go again..)

I hate some people so much that I myself can't explain.Let's put it to a stop.They are just simply shallow people that don't worth a minute of my time.I should use less energy in being angry to them.Being angry takes a lot of energy.It's tiring and it gives you headache.For example,one of this people likes to flirt with people,being cute in getting things her way.She may be good in what she does.Whether people sees her for the real her,that's up to people.I just simply hate her that whatever she does irritates the hell out of me.Imagine being stuck in the midst of things and that I have to witnessed all the things she did,flirting being cute etc..since I scored badly in my social skills,I should take advantage of this.Just to watch what she's doing (not to copy her of course!)but just follow around to get cases or opportunities.I may not get the best,but at least I can make do or expand with what I got.But try in some other ways to improve on my social skills but minus the acting.

I hate people lying to me as if I'm a retarded 8 year old.To the human concerned,I just wish what she did doesn't backlash to her father who according to her is sick.Now I don't believe that her father is sick.Sad right?
These 2 people I've mentioned are just really sick.So I hope to forgive them both.Talk less to them and do not get involve in everything they do.I am better off alone than having them around.

Lazy Day

2009-01-11T16:33:00.003+08:00

One tablet a day,keeps the doctor away!haha.

Only did laundry and washed some sandals.Went out for lunch with a friend.Met up several other people.Had lunch and started 'kutuking' several highly popular people in the 'terkutuk world'.Haha.Came back and nothing much.

Still considering whether to go out for dinner or not.Seems LAZY to walk.Even my mum didn't go out today.Stayed at home and cooked.Which make sense because a house is completed with a kitchen and a refrigerator and my hostel has none of those.Even if we have a kitchen or refrigerator,I'm pretty sure there are ignorant and unhygienic people that will ruined the whole thing.

The sun is smiling up brightly over Kangar today.And the wind is strong.It's actually a beautiful day,with people 'menuai padi'.I forgot to take pictures during lunch.

So shall I take a long walk under the sun on a windy day?

It's Orange Time

2009-01-10T13:28:00.002+08:00

Chinese new year is coming and people starts selling oranges.To get into the mood,I myself bought oranges.(Partly because I need fruits as part of my diet).Instead of the normal size oranges,I bought the small oranges.I am sure you know which one.They look cute and baby-ish(is there such word?).It cost me around RM6 for one bag.

Baby oranges.I don't know that they are called.First few was sweet and this one was really sour.
Initially there's more oranges than in this above pic.Of course I already ate some of it.

Poor me,there's only 5 of these oranges that are still good to be eaten.The rest of the oranges are beginning to rot.

5 things at the moment

2009-01-09T18:40:00.002+08:00

1) Happy anniversary to me and Donkey!It was yesterday.There wasn't any celebrations.

2) Liars are good friends with liars or backstabbers.That's why they are in a gang.No one wants to be their friends.

3) Watched 'Body Of Lies'.Kinda shocked for the first few minutes in the movie.Thought I choose the wrong movie.But I guess they have their message.One must see it with an open mind.

4) I dislike people who persistently ask me or wanting me to reply to their question verbally when I am swallowing my food.I don't plan to choke on my food you know.So be patient and use your eyes to see.

5) I'm currently doing 2 postings at once.Forensic+Ortho.

Conversations In The Head

2009-01-04T22:02:00.003+08:00

I just got back from my 2nd dinner.Both which I had rice.Great!How am I supposed to bring my weight down to look good in my kebaya for convo?I already have the top which I hope the buttons won't come out when I wear it.Huhu..Just imagine the situation.

Just itching to post my silent statements:

1) Ada masanya,orang yang cakap besar dan busuk akan jatuh jugak..hanya Allah je yang tau bila.

2) Can't expect people to label you,the way you label yourself.Who the hell do you think you are?

3) I'd like to stay out of your problems.Do me a favor,don't drag me along into your stupid games.I don't 'think' the way you do.

Things I want to say to certain people. :)

May You All Rest In Peace

2009-01-04T19:38:00.003+08:00

Terrifying pictures haunted me.The pictures of Palestinian children in their 'kain kapan'.So young to leave this world.Still innocent.They never harm the Israelis,what did they do that they deserve to be killed?I wonder what's it like if it were to be the Israelis children..

It's so ridiculous to see two sides at war,one side with a machine-gun and the other side were only using stones.

End Of The Year Pics

2009-01-03T22:44:00.002+08:00

I need oxygen y'all(Anaest posting)
Angry makcik on the way to kenduri.(Baju kurung matches the bedsheet-la,can go back to sleep)

Yup,that's right.Christmas at KLCC,dapat separuh pokok not the top pun jadila.Thanks to the 'amateur' photograhper. :p

I Will Be The Hunter

2008-12-31T23:19:00.002+08:00

In a few minutes,it will be 2009.

2008 wasn't a good year for me.I'm glad it's going to be over.Long list of mishaps,loss,heart breaking incidences,insecurities,arguments,pessimism,depression..etc.I hope 2009 will be better,make me a better person.Stronger and wiser from the experiences.

I want to be positive.I want to be the hunter now not the prey anymore.

Happy new year everyone!

Happy New Year

2008-12-31T13:37:00.002+08:00

Got a new resolution?I'll stick to my unaccomplished ones..

I read Cecelia Ahern's books.'If You Could See Me Now' is my favourite.I read it so many times.And I'm not bored of it.
Here's my favourite part about Ivan.

"Like I said,I'm not a superhero;my special power is friendship.I listen to people and I hear what they say.I hear their tones,the words they used to express themselves and,most importantly,I hear what they don't say."

Don't you wish you have a friend like Ivan?
*wink2*

The Situation is

2008-12-24T20:26:00.002+08:00

comical....

That's my word.The feud in my group was still going on.The story was,a group of students went to the docs to ask for 'help' for finals.The boy in my group spread this rumour around.My other groupmates was overly enthusiastic in conveying the rumour to one of the students that went to see the docs.Does that make sense to you?I don't know who's telling the truth.And I've already heard from three sides.Anyway,if it is true that the boy was making up stories,all I can say is that too bad for you.And this was not his first time.He has done it before,and it was not wrong for most people to suspect he's the cause.If it were to be that the rest of the anuses were making stories to frame him up,that was really sad.It was mean.I would sympathized him but not that much,due to his attitude which sometimes I think serves him right.I'm bad.
The third party was those people who was accused of going to see the docs.People in the centre of this whole mess.They support the theory that the boy was framed up.

So my point is that I am stuck for another 5 weeks with this 2 sides of people in my group.Though that I've heard from my groupmates that they want the situation to be good for the remaining weeks.It's not happening.I'm happily counting days to stay away from this people.But I'm not so eager of housemanship.

Other than that,I saw the latest pic of Patrick Swayze.I tried to put up his pic here,but due to the instability of the net,I'm not able to.Sad,he used to look so hot in Dirty Dancing and now he is very gaunt.He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

I'm going home for the christmas hols later at 10pm.
"Merry Christmas guys" and "Season Greetings"!!!!!

Welcome!

2008-12-20T00:50:00.002+08:00

Move over Jared Leto and Robert Pattinson!(at the moment-lah)

Welcome Diego Luna!!!!

I know I'm a bit late.Just watched Dirty Dancing 2.Won't go gushing into details..hehe.Not to bore you all with it.*sigh*

(feels like I'm going through puberty again!)

How Is It Possible?

2008-12-17T22:56:00.003+08:00

How is it possible not to feel stressed up when you meet with two walking-anuses everyday?Or perhaps three?
Which has proven their no-longer-hidden talent in back-stabbing people countless of times?Making up stories that never existed and using someone else's name.Delibrately putting others in trouble and making themselves look good.Delibrately keeping information among the group members.Pretending as if the remaining group members doesn't exist.

How is it possible to be positive when you live with this people?How is it possible to build your self up with this people around?And not forgetting..these are your future doctors.Sad.

Anyone who has overcome this kind of obstacles,mind motivating me?

Randomly

2008-12-16T00:34:00.002+08:00

*dancing to ne yo-closer*

1) can't hardly wait to go back to KL for christmas hols.Hope nothing would interfere with my 26th. ;)

2)physically i don't feel well,mentally i am tired

3)there's a lot to read.I am simply not motivated.

4)people surrounding me not helping.maybe i'm meant to live around people who would always bring me down,in a way to push me to work harder?perhaps..

5)insecurities are killing me.

6)liver abscess is contagious around here.or it's an epidemic?

7)i miss my dad

8)patience is for those who are abnormal..haha

9)innocence or acting so is terribly annoying

10)most of my random statements are all full of negativity..in fact almost all are negative!!such a pessimist!!!

Something About Harry

2008-12-13T11:41:00.002+08:00

I bought Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince during the hols.Just finished reading it yesterday.In this book,Harry hooked up with Ginny.However,I think Harry is getting more rude as he gets older.Maybe I see as Dumbledore is older and has been helping Harry alot,it would be ungrateful to be rude and questioned him too much.After all these years,he has done a lot for Harry.And Harry also must remember it was his father who bullied Snape and made him like that.Which proves that his father was not all that great.And Dumbledore died in this book in the hands of Snape.That made Harry more bitter towards Snape.I'm still considering whether I should get 'Deathly Hollows'.As,I'm getting a little fed up with Harry.Enough of him.

It looks like it's going to rain here.

I'm Back

2008-12-10T22:07:00.002+08:00

...after a week of break.

I was in KL.Enjoying myself.Never had a long break for a long time(yeah rite,the last hols was raya and I got a week!).Anyway,the dangers of long hols is that you will crave for more.I'm already eyeing the christmas weekend plus awal muharram!Mad.

So many things happened for the week.I managed to watch "Twilight".Which was really good.Tried to get the book from MPH and Kinokuniya..and both told me that it was out of stock.Sad.

Got my hair cut and dyed.Picked the wrong color and it doesn't show much.

Basically,I was enjoying myself.

12.30AM

2008-12-02T00:24:00.002+08:00

My neighbour is currently on the phone which I think the whole floor knows it's with her boyfriend.She's screaming in Tamil and making so many noise suggesting that she's angry with the boyfriend.Including stamping her foot.I'm not trying to be nosy.Because I know how thin the wall is.And it's 12.25AM.I think both parties should be considerate.She has her own problems which we may not be able to help her settle.But on the other hand,this is not the first time it happened and on this floor,there's 7 of us staying here.We all presumed that either her or her bf is mentally disturbed.Just shut off the phone or get a new number dear...

I was aimlessly surfing blogs just now.Suddenly I remembered that I did have a blog way back then in 2003.So I tried to type the address and VIOLA!!!It's still there.I won't paste the add here of course!haha.It was stories from the past.My english was better back then.

Tomorrow at this time,I would be on the bus back to KL.Yippee!!

Hello December

2008-12-01T20:12:00.002+08:00

Another end of the year celeb is coming soon.Another year to come..Time flies fast and waits for no one.It felt as though I just finished my O&G posting yesterday.And today marked exactly one month after I finished my O&G posting.

I had my Opthal post-test earlier today.Everything went ok in the end.I got a diabetic cataract with retinopathy case.

It felt as though my father passed away few weeks back.But this Friday is exactly 7 months of his passing.

Who knows where we would be this time next year?Would I still be alive?I hope so.Alive and kicking as a housemen in some hospital.

This Week In Photos

2008-11-30T01:15:00.002+08:00

My saviour for the stinky hall!I walk around with this in hand these few hours.

New accessory!Reminds me of christmas tree deco.

Gift from Charlie.Pus in one of the toes

See the whitish geographical like lesion?Another pus in another toe.Thank you so much Charlie.You made my life worst with a swollen foot!

New Look

2008-11-30T00:35:00.003+08:00

I'm old-fashioned and was always left behind.Anyway,I just discover pyzam.com tonight.Terrible right?Better discover it now then never.So I spend the time which I'm supposed to so many other benificial things to change all the layouts and re-do all the columns etc..

I guess that shows my boredom and how much I want to run from things that I'm going to face.I guess I'm no longer my old self.Sad.My old self maybe egoistic or horrid or whatever,but I kinda like it,because I am not as cowardly as I am now.

Ok,like it or not.Have to start hitting the books again.

Dr Noor Hisham's family

2008-11-30T00:20:00.001+08:00

Get your own Family Sticker Maker & MySpace Layouts.

Endless Ramblings

2008-11-29T19:15:00.002+08:00

Since the weather was cold for many days..I failed to notice that I seldomly bath.Hahaha!Don't worry..I don't stink.In fact I smell good.

And now itself,I'm taking my own sweet time to drag myself to the bathroom.Maybe because some ignorant housemates throw some leftovers in the open just like that and that makes the hall stinks so much that I am reluctant to walk in the hall.

I have finals on Monday for Opthal.Haih..Hope they give me one of the common cases.Don't give extra-ordinary ones.

I dying to watch "Twilight".Hope I can watch it when I go back to KL next week.

P.S; Some people are just plain dumb.Better believe it

Someone's birthday!

2008-11-27T20:17:00.001+08:00

Happy 24th Birthday!

dearest friend

VIVIENNE!

Sad..But True

2008-11-27T00:45:00.001+08:00

If I were a boy

even just for a day

I'd roll out of bed in the morning

and throw on what I wanted and go

Drink beer with the guys

and chase after girls

I'd kick it with who I wanted

and I'd never get confronted for it cause they stick up for me

If I were a boyI think I could understand

How it feels to love a girl

I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her

Cause I know how it hurts

When you lose the one you wanted

Cause he's taking you for granted

And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy

I would turn off my phone

Tell everyone it's broken

so they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I’d put myself first

and make the rules as I go

Cause I know that she’ll be faithful,

waiting for me to come home,

to come home.

If I were a boy

I think I could understand

How it feels to love a girl

I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her

Cause I know how it hurts

When you lose the one you wanted

Cause he's taking you for granted

And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back

Say it's just a mistake,

think i'd forgive you like that

If you thought I would wait for you

you thought wrong

But you're just a boy

You don't understandand

you don't understand,

ohhhh

How it feels to love a girl

Someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her

You don't care how it hurts

Until you lose the one you wanted

Cause you're taking her for granted

And everything you had got destroyed

But you're just a boy

Eyes

2008-11-25T19:45:00.002+08:00

I have mood swings.I do my best to control it.However this time,I just feel so down.I don't get very stressed up over exams.Maybe this time,the exam requires us to use the slit-lamps and funduscopy(some tools to see the eye) and that made feel tensed up.Maybe because half the time I don't know what am I supposed to notice.Everything looked normal to me.And of course,as beginners we take time to appreciate the findings.And which patient would like you to shine their eyes with bright light for such a long time.They even pulled away for just a short time.

And this tension comes with headache and my own eyes tire easily.Haih.

Foggy and Dark

2008-11-24T22:47:00.002+08:00

Earlier today,Kangar was foggier and darker than usual.It rained throughout the day.
Ala2 Forks,Washington macam tu..HEHEHE :P

Let's Go To The Movies

2008-11-20T00:41:00.002+08:00

I want to watch this!

I'm not a teen-flick movie fan,however since this has something to do with vampires...I am very very very interested!

*dreaming endlessly*

MaiCafe

2008-11-18T23:54:00.002+08:00

With the fact that I have a presentation tomorrow, I stubbornly went out for a snack with some friends.

Picture above: From the view of an ice lemon tea and cheesy chicken.Does that look like a chicken?
Picture above: Munching my roti bakar
(from left;Baez,Afaf,Tariq,me and Farah)

Picture above: Keep on munching!Stress!

(see the book on my left hand side?kononnyer nak bace)

Good luck for myself tomorrow.

Volcano

2008-11-18T12:39:00.003+08:00

I'm like a volcano.
All this while did my best to keep my disatisfaction.And suddenly it exploded big time.
I have a new conflict.Which I am not at ease with it.
Since when have I ever settled well with conflict?And of course..not forgetting my ego.

Moral of the day: Stay away from conflicts,because I am not good at handling it.

A Promise Fulfilled

2008-11-16T21:42:00.002+08:00

A promise I made to my father..finally fulfilled.I'm glad.Alhamdulillah.

Windy Kuala Perlis

2008-11-13T00:13:00.003+08:00

Tariq: Never ending phone calls or sms..perang rumah tangga.
Our dinner.Missing in the picture is our kerang bakar.
(Jenahak masak 3 rasa,sotong goreng tepung,and kailan goreng modified with taufu)

In the midst of war!Controversial picture.Hehe..TTM

Windy and cold night at the pier.Ke aku demam?

She's calling him to go home!

And we had to since he's the driver.

*sob sob*

Have I Sinned?

2008-11-12T15:06:00.002+08:00

Bright,sunny,windy day..
Beautiful day actually..
Quiet,calm and not chaotic..
Everything is just going with the flow..
Surrounded by the world's favourite people-NOT!
Getting used to their antics..
Gladly using the time alone..
Not so much of a problem like the old days..
No pressing datelines..
No exams..
Not in trouble..
Only have to study in peace..
Why am I not happy or at ease?
Have I sinned?

Open Letter To Donkey

2008-11-12T00:14:00.002+08:00

Many people asked how come we can last up to now?It's not easy right hun?

We've been through so many things.And we always feel like scratching each other's eyeballs out.

I've known you for so long,didn't expect that we would be together and for this long.All the misunderstandings,fights..please remember that I love you even while we were fighting.I know you know that.

Please forgive me for my insensitivity at times,my mood swings,my tantrums,neverending depression...etc.Thank you for loving me,taking care of me and teaching me so many things.Don't stop any of these.Most of all..thank you for being my best friend and being there for me.

I don't know what's the future has in store for us but I thank God for bringing you to me.

I love you so much.

This Week In Photos

2008-11-06T22:35:00.001+08:00

~!@$$#@!~~
We the stupid and lazy ones eh?

The insect bite that made me suffer the whole week through!Damn you Charlie!

Future docs

2008-11-05T17:06:00.002+08:00

Smart tapi attitude macam taik!ok va?good combination huh?
Syndrome ini banyak.tapi tak ada yg se-severe satu makhluk ciptaan Allah sorang ni.
Rupanya,bayangkan je la evolution ape nak jadi human yang tak lengkap.Pernah tengok gambar daripada teori Encik Charles Darwin?Perhatikanlah wajah ape yg tengah daripada bahagian tepi.Memang serupa.Sorilah kalau mata saya agak rabun.

Entry ini memang khusus untuk saya melepaskan geram.Minta maaf kalau ada bahasa yg tidak berkenan di hati.
Gelaran apa yg patut kita berikan kepada dia dalam entry ini?Betina?Perempuan?Tapi saya rasa yg paling tepat adalah,monyet lah.Sebab bukan saya orang yg pertama memanggil 'beliau' ini.Hehehe.Kasihan parents dia.

Tapi saya tidak akan menceritakan apa yg terjadi.Rahsia la,mana boleh cerita keburukan orang?(mcm betul je saya ni)

Ya Allah,lindungilah kami daripada kejahatan hamba Mu yang satu ini.Bersihkanlah hati kami dan kurniakan ilmu dan tenangkanlah hati kami dalam pembelajaran kami.Banyak2kanlah kesabaran untuk kami dalam menghadapi hamba Mu ini.Jauhilah kami daripadanya.Kami terima dugaan ini.Amin.

Just Give It A Thought

2008-11-02T21:49:00.002+08:00

Currently I am in a studying mode for gynae finals on Tuesday..cramping in all at once.I got to know on a short notice that the test will be on Tuesday.I am taking a break at the moment.
Back to business.

Al-fatihah to my distant uncle who passed away this morning to leukemia after 5 years of battle.He finally got his donor for bone marrow transplant which was scheduled this week.But I guess,God never meant for him to have a transplant.Anyway,my mother and I didn't know he had leukemia before this.What a family..
My aunt contacted mum earlier today to inform mum about the funeral.Mum couldn't make it because she was informed about the passing after the burial.Aunt told mum there's no point in coming because females weren't allowed to go to the graveyard.
Huh?!?!?!
Apa benda ni?

I may be an ignorant Malay but according to mum,some place practice this.
Why?What's the reason?Who created this idea?(I'm trying to be polite here)
Why is it that when my father passed away,no one told us about it?Or because that kampung where my father was buried doesn't practice this?Possible.Or because no one berani tegur my uncle?Possible.
Whatever the reason is...I don't understand why people tend to make life complicated.For me,Islam doesn't burden it's people.It's the people themselves who make it so complicated.

Is It Halloween?

2008-10-30T12:56:00.002+08:00

I'm confused..when's Halloween?30th or 31st?

If Malaysia were to have Halloween celebrations,and if I were to be invited to a Halloween party,I would like to wear my labcoat!

Haha..and bring my stethoscope,tendon reflex hammer,measuring tape,penlight,tongue spatula...you name it.

Hey,that's a costume also right?At least jimat duit aku.

-Just a funny thought-

My Pipes

2008-10-28T23:44:00.002+08:00

Two songs that haunted me badly:
1.Hanya Kau Yang Mampu-Aizat af5
2.Sempurna-Andra & The Backbone

Both songs were famous around the time of my father's passing.Both are nice songs.Both are meaningful.I must hear it with other people,at least it boost my ego to stop my pipes from working.However today,the pipes give way.
I start to wonder how come I rarely hugged my father when I have the chance?Rarely express myself to him.Goes the same with him.Few weeks before his passing,he always ended the phone calls by telling me that he loves me.Only then I told him the same.But now is not the time to regret anymore.The time has passed.

I planned to volunteer for the palliative care unit in Selayang hospital.People asked,how come I don't volunteer for MAKNA instead.I have my issues there which I rather not discussed it now.If you've read my previous posts when my father was still warded in MAKNA,you'd understand my reasons.Anyway,I'd like to help others who are in my father's situation.As I didn't get the chance to fully take care of him during his last months.Although I did get my share in the previous admissions.Also got my share of fighting with nurses who doesn't work well.

This is the time when I need him the most.And he's not here anymore.

Happy Deepavali

2008-10-27T11:48:00.000+08:00

Happy Deepavali to all my Hindhu friends!

I Feel..

2008-10-24T22:20:00.002+08:00

-like an ass..
-like a jerk..
-like a failure..
-like I am a chicken and runs away from things..
-out of control..
-stupid
-that I'm messing my own life
-like a kid who can't take challenges and risks

I don't think the list is complete yet.I have become someone I don't want to be.

P.S;Happy 26th birthday to my cousin brother..

Headache..headache please go away..

2008-10-21T21:06:00.003+08:00

I am not well.Been having migraine since Sunday.Usually it will resolve after taking meds and a good sleep in a dark quiet room.Currently it's not disappearing.It's still there at its minimal level.It's sooooooo irritating.When will it go off??

Checked my BP this morning.My friend took it and said it's already 130/90!Mad..my BP never exceeds 120/80.Even though it's only one reading and I panicked.Made my headache worst.

I have a strong family history of hypertension.Takkan I am getting it at such an early age?But it's possible with my lifestyle.No exercise,stressed up and eating everything I want.

Other than hypertension,I thought of my eyes.I am supposed to use glasses.But the 'gatal' me stopped using it since I stepped foot in Malaysia(takut tudung tak cantik!very lame).So..current management is,to wear back my glasses,to go on a strict diet(can I do this?)..and have painkillers or migraine meds at hand.Don't wait until it's severe enough to take the meds.

It Takes Two To Tango

2008-10-18T20:26:00.003+08:00

Conflicts will only rise when there's 2 parties do not want or unable to find a solution for their problem.So,it takes 2 to tango.
(I remember there's a wafer in Indonesia with the brand name 'Tango')

In the hostel itself.Even though it seems like the old conflict had died off,but you can still see the sparks.The Indonesian community is still divided into 2.With so many complaints,opinions on one another still buried inside.On both sides.I am just an observer and do not wish to complicate my life by joining their war.

->Mum should be home in KL now

-->I have a gynae pre-test next week

--->I'm not in speaking terms to someone

---->I should be more focus and not to fear the future

???

2008-10-17T20:23:00.003+08:00

What is wrong with friendster??

It's been so many days that I can't log in..Kept logging in into someone else's account.

Either that or once I got my page,the next click logged me out from my account..

What the heck is happening?

<--This guy is hot!

It Was Well

2008-10-17T13:27:00.002+08:00

It went quite well this morning..I cleared my head.Just rewinding some things I studied yesterday in my head..ignoring bitches etc...and Bam!
I hit another wall..initial plan was 3 of us were to have lunch at a specific place at 12.30.So everyone 'tahan' laparlah..12.20 came a sms stating that the other party had already taken maggie,so they were no longer hungry and decided not to go to lunch.What about me?Why didn't inform when they were already making the maggie?Why informed when they were no longer hungry?.....
Where's my mistake?

Randomly

2008-10-16T23:03:00.002+08:00

I haven't been blogging for a week I guess..too many inner and outer conflicts.After a series of thinking I think it's just not suitable for me to blab about my dissatisfaction towards people around me.I've come to the decision that I should do something about myself.You can't change people the way you want them to be,but you can fix yourself so you can blend in accordingly.At first I thought I was losing myself bit by bit.But I guess that is what you call 'living'.Don't worry,I'm not transforming myself into a hypocrite.But if there's some people who would want to think so,up to them.

It's hard at first.I think I am jealous.For so many things..kept finding faults.So my solution for that,is just to be comfortable with myself,do my best and not to lose my focus.Ignore the temptations to be in the spotlight..etc.I heard one 'ceramah agama' over the radio in the hospital while I was oncall,saying that everything that starts with a good,clean and clear intentions,Insya Allah,God will help..So I need to correct my 'nawaitu'..
I have thought over and over why I want to be a doctor.Prayed to God not to make me boastfull,obnoxious and proud of my social status in the future and always keep me rooted to the ground.

Regarding how the others behave around me when I am already trying my best to be nice to them,I shouldn't put it too much in my head.Some people just forget their manners.I do too,sometimes...but must make sure not majority of the time.Some people are just plain dumb,so be patient.They'd like to be smart,or act smart,I do too at times...but I'd like to stop doing that now.Some people just like to talk endlessly about their wealth,I should feel pity for them and pray that they realised that their wealth doesn't truly belongs to them.

Shouldn't use my father's name or reputation to gain attention or merit or acknowledgements etc..I need to carve my own name.He already made his own,I should start now for myself.

By tomorrow,I hope that I am able to feel fresh and wake up as new motivated person.Insya Allah.

Updates

2008-10-09T20:02:00.002+08:00

There's a big fight went on yesterday in the hostel.Between 2 groups.I as an outsider would think the whole issue is ridiculous and can be settled much earlier and in a simpler manner.But what if I was among those people involved..I wouldn't think so..I would think that even that small issue that I was fighting about is a big issue(to me).
See how irrational one can get when they are raging?

Time passes very slowly these days.

Mum is leaving for Jakarta tomorrow.She's excited.

My boyfriend is admitted in the hospital.Nothing serious.It's about time for him to be admitted,else he would never receive proper treatment.

Currently I'm just keeping quiet to the antics from people around me.When will it be over?

Losing myself

2008-10-07T19:49:00.002+08:00

I don't know what's happening with me.I'm not the old self.I used to be bold and meet my problems face to face.I don't feel like myself anymore,like some alien has occupy my body(that's a bit too extreme).

To add to it,a close friend seems to lose faith in me.That despite how I am in the outside,I still have a good heart...etc..etc.He just don't buy that anymore.

I'm having a severe identity crisis.Which is bothering me.My father would know how to solve this,now that I am on my own,I'm not sure where I should begin..what am I looking for..

Captured Moments

2008-10-06T20:57:00.003+08:00

I initially thought that I've arranged the pics from the earliest pictures to the latest ones.Haih,bear with me.Sorry.

4th Oct, cousins that was born in October(minus the little ones in the pictures)
4th Oct, simple ceremony during my uncle's open hse in Shah Alam
3rd Oct, in Little Penang Cafe,KLCC(food was good).We actually wanted to eat at Madam Kwan's,it's packed.Happy 24th birthday to me!
1st Oct, only both of us left..there used to be 3 of us in pictures like this
1st Oct,the whole clan in my uncle's hse in Shah Alam(missing in action;my cousins in Japan and Aberdeen)

It's easy to spot me,thanks to the brightness of my baju kurung and my laziness to wear makeup(I looked so dark here!)

Happy Raya

2008-10-01T09:04:00.002+08:00

Internet in Kangar sucks big time.We were trapped in that state without internet for 2 weeks!felt like screaming my head off...stupid place.Sorry Perlis ppl...
Anyway,Selamat Hari Raya to all..on this very good morning itself..so many things had already happened.Let's not ruin it with my rantings...
Have fun people.Take care.

Taken From..

2008-09-07T20:20:00.002+08:00

www.erikbohlin.net/anxiety.htm

The Symptoms of Anxiety
- General nervousness
- Thinking and over-analyzing too much
- Body sensations of rapid heart-beat, difficulty breathing, sweating, breaking out in cold sweat and shakiness
- Hyperventilating
- Predicting the worst and "future tripping" (what if?. . .)
- Intrusive and obsessional thoughts, usually about safety issues
- Worrying and not being able to think positively
- Feelings of "out of control" and that one is going lose one's mind
- Self doubt

-->That's me

"Fear is a good thing. It is a God-given emotion that tells us something is dangerous in our environment. It can be used to help keep from poor choices. It is when our lives are ruled by fear that is when it becomes a problem. With Generalized Anxiety Disorder"

"Believe it or not, deep breathing and relaxation are very beneficial to recovering from panic disorder and anxiety. It is very difficult for the person who already experiences anxiety to "calm themselves down." "

"Another element that people with anxiety struggle with is the need to feel in control. The irony is that the more they think that they control, the more out of control they are. We try to control people, places, and situations. The irony is that we often try to control the things we don't have control over, which are "people, places and things" and yet we have learned to control what we can."

"In recovery from anxiety, we work on "letting go," and changing irrational belief systems. The process of counseling can be helpful to help the client let go of negative beliefs and to think more healthy thoughts. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which involves changing negative beliefs or irrational beliefs into more healthier beliefs. This is a process and once the thinking has changed, the panic usually doesn't come back "-->i need this