-updates-

I booked myself an interview with the SPA this friday.Kinda anxious about it.Like I was never anxious about anything..

Anyway,I'm stepping into a new phase in my life.And it's scary.

Mutterings

I don't get it.
Simply don't get it.

Why is it that everyone..no correction,not everyone but most people kept saying 'if you want any help,you can definitely ask me'?Which is completely not true.
For instance when my dad passed away..everyone kept giving their condolences and all..ok fine.It's just so sick to hear when they said they'd help if we ever need anything..but they didn't.Most of them just ran off.Empty promises.Empty offers.If they don't want to help out might as well butt out.
OK,that was a year back.

And it's the same now.When I need help...It's just not there.Sometimes I blamed myself for being too dependent.Which I hate being.Sometimes I also blamed my poor PR.Which is true.I just don't get it.I may have a poor PR.But I never really bother or irritate anyone.Not that I know off.I'm sure I don't do it to everyone.I might not be fun as a company.I know I'm a recluse.People around me long enough also knows tht.

Maybe it's God's way of asking me to get things done myself.So that I don't owe anyone anything???

Stucked In Twilight Zone

This morning SPA called me up.To confirm my bookings for an interview at their place.Well,I told them any date would be fine so long its not on the 12th.I'm childish and I don't know when will I ever get the fact that I need to be able to stand or at least pretend to stand 'a particular person' presence nearby.So childish and I'm not proud of myself.Not able to overcome my grudge.Anyway,leave it to that.

The thing is that lady from SPA who called me up addressed me 'doctor'.Wow.For a moment I thought she had the wrong number.I know I'm being overboard by just making an issue out of this.But honestly,being me,I'm terrified.It's like I'm terrified of something that's not even there.I know everyone should face the future.At first I don;t know whether I'm up for this.Stupid right?It's not as if I only got one foot stuck in this field,I jumped with my whole body inside the well.So there's no turning back.I had told my mum that I'm actually hating myself for feeling this way,cowardly and it also nauseated me in many ways.It's kinda bad to wish my dad's around for a time like this when my mother tried her best to convince me.Well,it's not thoroughly working.

I've been at home for months and I'm getting rusty.I don't remember much of the medical stuffs.I need a kick to get started.And thanks to my wrong timing,I just recently started to read the Twilight saga and I couldn't put it down.I left Breaking Dawn to read,which I need to borrow from a bookstore in Ampang.And I can't sit still,itching to go to Ampang now.Mad.And my head is so full of Jacob Black.Really,if they don't put Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen and reading the book,it wouldn't be hard to choose Jacob rather than Edward.Haha.I'd prefer a space heater rather than a marble to cuddle with in a weather like in Forks.I'd prefer a sort-of jerk rather than someone who could suffocate me with too much love.Ouch,here I go again.

Anyway,I used to think that reading this kind of books are unintelligent.I'm sorry for my prejudice.I broke my promise not to be judgemental.Need to work harder on my restraint.I like vampire stories.Thanks to Anne Rice,I used to read alot of her books.Especially Interview With the Vampire.(I like Lestat).Huhu.Then more and more vampire stories trying to copy each other.Somehow the gothic part just faded away from my point of view.

Pray that I get over Jacob Black fast.I need to work on my studies now!

I Have Accepted It

In a few hours,12.20am 5th of May 2009,marks 1 year of my father's passing.

The time of mourning is over and now is the time to remember him without feeling sad.

We miss you.

Noor Hisham b Ramly

13th Feb 1957 - 5th May 2008

Where it all started..a year ago

A year ago,on the very same date.Wasn't the happiest time for me.As I looked back,I can feel the emotions that surrounded me.Still fresh,still the feeling of something pulling you down.The anxiety that wouldn't rest.

I was called home halfway through OT(I was in Surgical posting).My mother no longer sounded positive.Somehow I knew this was it.But always in denial,frantically searching a flight ticket home.Trying to convince myself how I can deal with it.All failed.My systems just shut down.Amazingly according to some people I still can put on a calm face and joked around.