I Will Be The Hunter

In a few minutes,it will be 2009.

2008 wasn't a good year for me.I'm glad it's going to be over.Long list of mishaps,loss,heart breaking incidences,insecurities,arguments,pessimism,depression..etc.I hope 2009 will be better,make me a better person.Stronger and wiser from the experiences.

I want to be positive.I want to be the hunter now not the prey anymore.

Happy new year everyone!

Happy New Year

Got a new resolution?I'll stick to my unaccomplished ones..

I read Cecelia Ahern's books.'If You Could See Me Now' is my favourite.I read it so many times.And I'm not bored of it.
Here's my favourite part about Ivan.

"Like I said,I'm not a superhero;my special power is friendship.I listen to people and I hear what they say.I hear their tones,the words they used to express themselves and,most importantly,I hear what they don't say."

Don't you wish you have a friend like Ivan?
*wink2*

The Situation is

comical....

That's my word.The feud in my group was still going on.The story was,a group of students went to the docs to ask for 'help' for finals.The boy in my group spread this rumour around.My other groupmates was overly enthusiastic in conveying the rumour to one of the students that went to see the docs.Does that make sense to you?I don't know who's telling the truth.And I've already heard from three sides.Anyway,if it is true that the boy was making up stories,all I can say is that too bad for you.And this was not his first time.He has done it before,and it was not wrong for most people to suspect he's the cause.If it were to be that the rest of the anuses were making stories to frame him up,that was really sad.It was mean.I would sympathized him but not that much,due to his attitude which sometimes I think serves him right.I'm bad.
The third party was those people who was accused of going to see the docs.People in the centre of this whole mess.They support the theory that the boy was framed up.

So my point is that I am stuck for another 5 weeks with this 2 sides of people in my group.Though that I've heard from my groupmates that they want the situation to be good for the remaining weeks.It's not happening.I'm happily counting days to stay away from this people.But I'm not so eager of housemanship.

Other than that,I saw the latest pic of Patrick Swayze.I tried to put up his pic here,but due to the instability of the net,I'm not able to.Sad,he used to look so hot in Dirty Dancing and now he is very gaunt.He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

I'm going home for the christmas hols later at 10pm.
"Merry Christmas guys" and "Season Greetings"!!!!!

Welcome!

Move over Jared Leto and Robert Pattinson!(at the moment-lah)

Welcome Diego Luna!!!!

I know I'm a bit late.Just watched Dirty Dancing 2.Won't go gushing into details..hehe.Not to bore you all with it.*sigh*

(feels like I'm going through puberty again!)

How Is It Possible?

How is it possible not to feel stressed up when you meet with two walking-anuses everyday?Or perhaps three?
Which has proven their no-longer-hidden talent in back-stabbing people countless of times?Making up stories that never existed and using someone else's name.Delibrately putting others in trouble and making themselves look good.Delibrately keeping information among the group members.Pretending as if the remaining group members doesn't exist.

How is it possible to be positive when you live with this people?How is it possible to build your self up with this people around?And not forgetting..these are your future doctors.Sad.

Anyone who has overcome this kind of obstacles,mind motivating me?

Randomly

*dancing to ne yo-closer*

1) can't hardly wait to go back to KL for christmas hols.Hope nothing would interfere with my 26th. ;)

2)physically i don't feel well,mentally i am tired

3)there's a lot to read.I am simply not motivated.

4)people surrounding me not helping.maybe i'm meant to live around people who would always bring me down,in a way to push me to work harder?perhaps..

5)insecurities are killing me.

6)liver abscess is contagious around here.or it's an epidemic?

7)i miss my dad

8)patience is for those who are abnormal..haha

9)innocence or acting so is terribly annoying

10)most of my random statements are all full of negativity..in fact almost all are negative!!such a pessimist!!!

Something About Harry

I bought Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince during the hols.Just finished reading it yesterday.In this book,Harry hooked up with Ginny.However,I think Harry is getting more rude as he gets older.Maybe I see as Dumbledore is older and has been helping Harry alot,it would be ungrateful to be rude and questioned him too much.After all these years,he has done a lot for Harry.And Harry also must remember it was his father who bullied Snape and made him like that.Which proves that his father was not all that great.And Dumbledore died in this book in the hands of Snape.That made Harry more bitter towards Snape.I'm still considering whether I should get 'Deathly Hollows'.As,I'm getting a little fed up with Harry.Enough of him.

It looks like it's going to rain here.

I'm Back

...after a week of break.

I was in KL.Enjoying myself.Never had a long break for a long time(yeah rite,the last hols was raya and I got a week!).Anyway,the dangers of long hols is that you will crave for more.I'm already eyeing the christmas weekend plus awal muharram!Mad.

So many things happened for the week.I managed to watch "Twilight".Which was really good.Tried to get the book from MPH and Kinokuniya..and both told me that it was out of stock.Sad.

Got my hair cut and dyed.Picked the wrong color and it doesn't show much.

Basically,I was enjoying myself.

12.30AM

My neighbour is currently on the phone which I think the whole floor knows it's with her boyfriend.She's screaming in Tamil and making so many noise suggesting that she's angry with the boyfriend.Including stamping her foot.I'm not trying to be nosy.Because I know how thin the wall is.And it's 12.25AM.I think both parties should be considerate.She has her own problems which we may not be able to help her settle.But on the other hand,this is not the first time it happened and on this floor,there's 7 of us staying here.We all presumed that either her or her bf is mentally disturbed.Just shut off the phone or get a new number dear...

I was aimlessly surfing blogs just now.Suddenly I remembered that I did have a blog way back then in 2003.So I tried to type the address and VIOLA!!!It's still there.I won't paste the add here of course!haha.It was stories from the past.My english was better back then.

Tomorrow at this time,I would be on the bus back to KL.Yippee!!

Hello December

Another end of the year celeb is coming soon.Another year to come..Time flies fast and waits for no one.It felt as though I just finished my O&G posting yesterday.And today marked exactly one month after I finished my O&G posting.

I had my Opthal post-test earlier today.Everything went ok in the end.I got a diabetic cataract with retinopathy case.

It felt as though my father passed away few weeks back.But this Friday is exactly 7 months of his passing.

Who knows where we would be this time next year?Would I still be alive?I hope so.Alive and kicking as a housemen in some hospital.

This Week In Photos

My saviour for the stinky hall!I walk around with this in hand these few hours.

New accessory!Reminds me of christmas tree deco.

Gift from Charlie.Pus in one of the toes

See the whitish geographical like lesion?Another pus in another toe.Thank you so much Charlie.You made my life worst with a swollen foot!

New Look

I'm old-fashioned and was always left behind.Anyway,I just discover pyzam.com tonight.Terrible right?Better discover it now then never.So I spend the time which I'm supposed to so many other benificial things to change all the layouts and re-do all the columns etc..

I guess that shows my boredom and how much I want to run from things that I'm going to face.I guess I'm no longer my old self.Sad.My old self maybe egoistic or horrid or whatever,but I kinda like it,because I am not as cowardly as I am now.

Ok,like it or not.Have to start hitting the books again.

Dr Noor Hisham's family

Get your own Family Sticker Maker & MySpace Layouts.

Endless Ramblings

Since the weather was cold for many days..I failed to notice that I seldomly bath.Hahaha!Don't worry..I don't stink.In fact I smell good.

And now itself,I'm taking my own sweet time to drag myself to the bathroom.Maybe because some ignorant housemates throw some leftovers in the open just like that and that makes the hall stinks so much that I am reluctant to walk in the hall.

I have finals on Monday for Opthal.Haih..Hope they give me one of the common cases.Don't give extra-ordinary ones.

I dying to watch "Twilight".Hope I can watch it when I go back to KL next week.

P.S; Some people are just plain dumb.Better believe it

Someone's birthday!

Happy 24th Birthday!

to

dearest friend

VIVIENNE!

Sad..But True

If I were a boy

even just for a day

I'd roll out of bed in the morning

and throw on what I wanted and go

Drink beer with the guys

and chase after girls

I'd kick it with who I wanted

and I'd never get confronted for it cause they stick up for me

If I were a boyI think I could understand

How it feels to love a girl

I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her

Cause I know how it hurts

When you lose the one you wanted

Cause he's taking you for granted

And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy

I would turn off my phone

Tell everyone it's broken

so they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I’d put myself first

and make the rules as I go

Cause I know that she’ll be faithful,

waiting for me to come home,

to come home.

If I were a boy

I think I could understand

How it feels to love a girl

I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her

Cause I know how it hurts

When you lose the one you wanted

Cause he's taking you for granted

And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back

Say it's just a mistake,

think i'd forgive you like that

If you thought I would wait for you

you thought wrong

But you're just a boy

You don't understandand

you don't understand,

ohhhh

How it feels to love a girl

Someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her

You don't care how it hurts

Until you lose the one you wanted

Cause you're taking her for granted

And everything you had got destroyed

But you're just a boy

Eyes

I have mood swings.I do my best to control it.However this time,I just feel so down.I don't get very stressed up over exams.Maybe this time,the exam requires us to use the slit-lamps and funduscopy(some tools to see the eye) and that made feel tensed up.Maybe because half the time I don't know what am I supposed to notice.Everything looked normal to me.And of course,as beginners we take time to appreciate the findings.And which patient would like you to shine their eyes with bright light for such a long time.They even pulled away for just a short time.

And this tension comes with headache and my own eyes tire easily.Haih.

Foggy and Dark

Earlier today,Kangar was foggier and darker than usual.It rained throughout the day.
Ala2 Forks,Washington macam tu..HEHEHE :P

Let's Go To The Movies

I want to watch this!

I'm not a teen-flick movie fan,however since this has something to do with vampires...I am very very very interested!

*dreaming endlessly*

MaiCafe

With the fact that I have a presentation tomorrow, I stubbornly went out for a snack with some friends.

Picture above: From the view of an ice lemon tea and cheesy chicken.Does that look like a chicken?
Picture above: Munching my roti bakar
(from left;Baez,Afaf,Tariq,me and Farah)

Picture above: Keep on munching!Stress!

(see the book on my left hand side?kononnyer nak bace)

Good luck for myself tomorrow.

Volcano

I'm like a volcano.
All this while did my best to keep my disatisfaction.And suddenly it exploded big time.
I have a new conflict.Which I am not at ease with it.
Since when have I ever settled well with conflict?And of course..not forgetting my ego.

Moral of the day: Stay away from conflicts,because I am not good at handling it.

A Promise Fulfilled

A promise I made to my father..finally fulfilled.I'm glad.Alhamdulillah.

Windy Kuala Perlis

Tariq: Never ending phone calls or sms..perang rumah tangga.
Our dinner.Missing in the picture is our kerang bakar.
(Jenahak masak 3 rasa,sotong goreng tepung,and kailan goreng modified with taufu)

In the midst of war!Controversial picture.Hehe..TTM

Windy and cold night at the pier.Ke aku demam?

She's calling him to go home!

And we had to since he's the driver.

*sob sob*

Have I Sinned?

Bright,sunny,windy day..
Beautiful day actually..
Quiet,calm and not chaotic..
Everything is just going with the flow..
Surrounded by the world's favourite people-NOT!
Getting used to their antics..
Gladly using the time alone..
Not so much of a problem like the old days..
No pressing datelines..
No exams..
Not in trouble..
Only have to study in peace..
Why am I not happy or at ease?
Have I sinned?

Open Letter To Donkey

Many people asked how come we can last up to now?It's not easy right hun?

We've been through so many things.And we always feel like scratching each other's eyeballs out.

I've known you for so long,didn't expect that we would be together and for this long.All the misunderstandings,fights..please remember that I love you even while we were fighting.I know you know that.

Please forgive me for my insensitivity at times,my mood swings,my tantrums,neverending depression...etc.Thank you for loving me,taking care of me and teaching me so many things.Don't stop any of these.Most of all..thank you for being my best friend and being there for me.

I don't know what's the future has in store for us but I thank God for bringing you to me.

I love you so much.

This Week In Photos

~!@$$#@!~~
We the stupid and lazy ones eh?

The insect bite that made me suffer the whole week through!Damn you Charlie!

Future docs

Smart tapi attitude macam taik!ok va?good combination huh?
Syndrome ini banyak.tapi tak ada yg se-severe satu makhluk ciptaan Allah sorang ni.
Rupanya,bayangkan je la evolution ape nak jadi human yang tak lengkap.Pernah tengok gambar daripada teori Encik Charles Darwin?Perhatikanlah wajah ape yg tengah daripada bahagian tepi.Memang serupa.Sorilah kalau mata saya agak rabun.

Entry ini memang khusus untuk saya melepaskan geram.Minta maaf kalau ada bahasa yg tidak berkenan di hati.
Gelaran apa yg patut kita berikan kepada dia dalam entry ini?Betina?Perempuan?Tapi saya rasa yg paling tepat adalah,monyet lah.Sebab bukan saya orang yg pertama memanggil 'beliau' ini.Hehehe.Kasihan parents dia.

Tapi saya tidak akan menceritakan apa yg terjadi.Rahsia la,mana boleh cerita keburukan orang?(mcm betul je saya ni)

Ya Allah,lindungilah kami daripada kejahatan hamba Mu yang satu ini.Bersihkanlah hati kami dan kurniakan ilmu dan tenangkanlah hati kami dalam pembelajaran kami.Banyak2kanlah kesabaran untuk kami dalam menghadapi hamba Mu ini.Jauhilah kami daripadanya.Kami terima dugaan ini.Amin.

Just Give It A Thought

Currently I am in a studying mode for gynae finals on Tuesday..cramping in all at once.I got to know on a short notice that the test will be on Tuesday.I am taking a break at the moment.
Back to business.

Al-fatihah to my distant uncle who passed away this morning to leukemia after 5 years of battle.He finally got his donor for bone marrow transplant which was scheduled this week.But I guess,God never meant for him to have a transplant.Anyway,my mother and I didn't know he had leukemia before this.What a family..
My aunt contacted mum earlier today to inform mum about the funeral.Mum couldn't make it because she was informed about the passing after the burial.Aunt told mum there's no point in coming because females weren't allowed to go to the graveyard.
Huh?!?!?!
Apa benda ni?

I may be an ignorant Malay but according to mum,some place practice this.
Why?What's the reason?Who created this idea?(I'm trying to be polite here)
Why is it that when my father passed away,no one told us about it?Or because that kampung where my father was buried doesn't practice this?Possible.Or because no one berani tegur my uncle?Possible.
Whatever the reason is...I don't understand why people tend to make life complicated.For me,Islam doesn't burden it's people.It's the people themselves who make it so complicated.

Is It Halloween?

I'm confused..when's Halloween?30th or 31st?

If Malaysia were to have Halloween celebrations,and if I were to be invited to a Halloween party,I would like to wear my labcoat!

Haha..and bring my stethoscope,tendon reflex hammer,measuring tape,penlight,tongue spatula...you name it.

Hey,that's a costume also right?At least jimat duit aku.

-Just a funny thought-

My Pipes

Two songs that haunted me badly:
1.Hanya Kau Yang Mampu-Aizat af5
2.Sempurna-Andra & The Backbone

Both songs were famous around the time of my father's passing.Both are nice songs.Both are meaningful.I must hear it with other people,at least it boost my ego to stop my pipes from working.However today,the pipes give way.
I start to wonder how come I rarely hugged my father when I have the chance?Rarely express myself to him.Goes the same with him.Few weeks before his passing,he always ended the phone calls by telling me that he loves me.Only then I told him the same.But now is not the time to regret anymore.The time has passed.

I planned to volunteer for the palliative care unit in Selayang hospital.People asked,how come I don't volunteer for MAKNA instead.I have my issues there which I rather not discussed it now.If you've read my previous posts when my father was still warded in MAKNA,you'd understand my reasons.Anyway,I'd like to help others who are in my father's situation.As I didn't get the chance to fully take care of him during his last months.Although I did get my share in the previous admissions.Also got my share of fighting with nurses who doesn't work well.

This is the time when I need him the most.And he's not here anymore.

Happy Deepavali

Happy Deepavali to all my Hindhu friends!

I Feel..

-like an ass..
-like a jerk..
-like a failure..
-like I am a chicken and runs away from things..
-out of control..
-stupid
-that I'm messing my own life
-like a kid who can't take challenges and risks

I don't think the list is complete yet.I have become someone I don't want to be.

P.S;Happy 26th birthday to my cousin brother..

Headache..headache please go away..

I am not well.Been having migraine since Sunday.Usually it will resolve after taking meds and a good sleep in a dark quiet room.Currently it's not disappearing.It's still there at its minimal level.It's sooooooo irritating.When will it go off??

Checked my BP this morning.My friend took it and said it's already 130/90!Mad..my BP never exceeds 120/80.Even though it's only one reading and I panicked.Made my headache worst.

I have a strong family history of hypertension.Takkan I am getting it at such an early age?But it's possible with my lifestyle.No exercise,stressed up and eating everything I want.

Other than hypertension,I thought of my eyes.I am supposed to use glasses.But the 'gatal' me stopped using it since I stepped foot in Malaysia(takut tudung tak cantik!very lame).So..current management is,to wear back my glasses,to go on a strict diet(can I do this?)..and have painkillers or migraine meds at hand.Don't wait until it's severe enough to take the meds.

It Takes Two To Tango

Conflicts will only rise when there's 2 parties do not want or unable to find a solution for their problem.So,it takes 2 to tango.
(I remember there's a wafer in Indonesia with the brand name 'Tango')

In the hostel itself.Even though it seems like the old conflict had died off,but you can still see the sparks.The Indonesian community is still divided into 2.With so many complaints,opinions on one another still buried inside.On both sides.I am just an observer and do not wish to complicate my life by joining their war.

->Mum should be home in KL now

-->I have a gynae pre-test next week

--->I'm not in speaking terms to someone

---->I should be more focus and not to fear the future

???

What is wrong with friendster??

It's been so many days that I can't log in..Kept logging in into someone else's account.

Either that or once I got my page,the next click logged me out from my account..

What the heck is happening?

<--This guy is hot!

It Was Well

It went quite well this morning..I cleared my head.Just rewinding some things I studied yesterday in my head..ignoring bitches etc...and Bam!
I hit another wall..initial plan was 3 of us were to have lunch at a specific place at 12.30.So everyone 'tahan' laparlah..12.20 came a sms stating that the other party had already taken maggie,so they were no longer hungry and decided not to go to lunch.What about me?Why didn't inform when they were already making the maggie?Why informed when they were no longer hungry?.....
Where's my mistake?

Randomly

I haven't been blogging for a week I guess..too many inner and outer conflicts.After a series of thinking I think it's just not suitable for me to blab about my dissatisfaction towards people around me.I've come to the decision that I should do something about myself.You can't change people the way you want them to be,but you can fix yourself so you can blend in accordingly.At first I thought I was losing myself bit by bit.But I guess that is what you call 'living'.Don't worry,I'm not transforming myself into a hypocrite.But if there's some people who would want to think so,up to them.

It's hard at first.I think I am jealous.For so many things..kept finding faults.So my solution for that,is just to be comfortable with myself,do my best and not to lose my focus.Ignore the temptations to be in the spotlight..etc.I heard one 'ceramah agama' over the radio in the hospital while I was oncall,saying that everything that starts with a good,clean and clear intentions,Insya Allah,God will help..So I need to correct my 'nawaitu'..
I have thought over and over why I want to be a doctor.Prayed to God not to make me boastfull,obnoxious and proud of my social status in the future and always keep me rooted to the ground.

Regarding how the others behave around me when I am already trying my best to be nice to them,I shouldn't put it too much in my head.Some people just forget their manners.I do too,sometimes...but must make sure not majority of the time.Some people are just plain dumb,so be patient.They'd like to be smart,or act smart,I do too at times...but I'd like to stop doing that now.Some people just like to talk endlessly about their wealth,I should feel pity for them and pray that they realised that their wealth doesn't truly belongs to them.

Shouldn't use my father's name or reputation to gain attention or merit or acknowledgements etc..I need to carve my own name.He already made his own,I should start now for myself.

By tomorrow,I hope that I am able to feel fresh and wake up as new motivated person.Insya Allah.

Updates

There's a big fight went on yesterday in the hostel.Between 2 groups.I as an outsider would think the whole issue is ridiculous and can be settled much earlier and in a simpler manner.But what if I was among those people involved..I wouldn't think so..I would think that even that small issue that I was fighting about is a big issue(to me).
See how irrational one can get when they are raging?

Time passes very slowly these days.

Mum is leaving for Jakarta tomorrow.She's excited.

My boyfriend is admitted in the hospital.Nothing serious.It's about time for him to be admitted,else he would never receive proper treatment.

Currently I'm just keeping quiet to the antics from people around me.When will it be over?

Losing myself

I don't know what's happening with me.I'm not the old self.I used to be bold and meet my problems face to face.I don't feel like myself anymore,like some alien has occupy my body(that's a bit too extreme).

To add to it,a close friend seems to lose faith in me.That despite how I am in the outside,I still have a good heart...etc..etc.He just don't buy that anymore.

I'm having a severe identity crisis.Which is bothering me.My father would know how to solve this,now that I am on my own,I'm not sure where I should begin..what am I looking for..

Captured Moments

I initially thought that I've arranged the pics from the earliest pictures to the latest ones.Haih,bear with me.Sorry.

4th Oct, cousins that was born in October(minus the little ones in the pictures)
4th Oct, simple ceremony during my uncle's open hse in Shah Alam
3rd Oct, in Little Penang Cafe,KLCC(food was good).We actually wanted to eat at Madam Kwan's,it's packed.Happy 24th birthday to me!
1st Oct, only both of us left..there used to be 3 of us in pictures like this
1st Oct,the whole clan in my uncle's hse in Shah Alam(missing in action;my cousins in Japan and Aberdeen)

It's easy to spot me,thanks to the brightness of my baju kurung and my laziness to wear makeup(I looked so dark here!)

Happy Raya

Internet in Kangar sucks big time.We were trapped in that state without internet for 2 weeks!felt like screaming my head off...stupid place.Sorry Perlis ppl...
Anyway,Selamat Hari Raya to all..on this very good morning itself..so many things had already happened.Let's not ruin it with my rantings...
Have fun people.Take care.

Taken From..

www.erikbohlin.net/anxiety.htm

The Symptoms of Anxiety
- General nervousness
- Thinking and over-analyzing too much
- Body sensations of rapid heart-beat, difficulty breathing, sweating, breaking out in cold sweat and shakiness
- Hyperventilating
- Predicting the worst and "future tripping" (what if?. . .)
- Intrusive and obsessional thoughts, usually about safety issues
- Worrying and not being able to think positively
- Feelings of "out of control" and that one is going lose one's mind
- Self doubt

-->That's me

"Fear is a good thing. It is a God-given emotion that tells us something is dangerous in our environment. It can be used to help keep from poor choices. It is when our lives are ruled by fear that is when it becomes a problem. With Generalized Anxiety Disorder"

"Believe it or not, deep breathing and relaxation are very beneficial to recovering from panic disorder and anxiety. It is very difficult for the person who already experiences anxiety to "calm themselves down." "

"Another element that people with anxiety struggle with is the need to feel in control. The irony is that the more they think that they control, the more out of control they are. We try to control people, places, and situations. The irony is that we often try to control the things we don't have control over, which are "people, places and things" and yet we have learned to control what we can."

"In recovery from anxiety, we work on "letting go," and changing irrational belief systems. The process of counseling can be helpful to help the client let go of negative beliefs and to think more healthy thoughts. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which involves changing negative beliefs or irrational beliefs into more healthier beliefs. This is a process and once the thinking has changed, the panic usually doesn't come back "-->i need this

A Moment To Rest my Head

I'm surrounded by sick people.Trying my best not to be like them.Very hard.Because bits by bits..they manage to pull you to become one of them.Just wish I can get out of here as soon as possible so that I won't have to see them anymore.

Pasrah

Anak ayah mesti kuat.
Tak peduli apa orang buat pada dia.
Takkan jatuh kerana orang lain.
Mesti sabar.
Anak ayah mesti kawal kemarahan.
Sebab kemarahan itu kawan syaitan.

Happy Merdeka!

Is it really a happy merdeka?I wouldn't know.I'm one of the youngsters who never experience those hard days with the Brits or even during the Jap occupation.I'm lucky.

How I spent my night?By lepaking at mamak until around 9.30pm.My friend and I decided to go the Kangar Stadium to experience the countdown.Went there and looking at the crowd we cancelled our plan.Instead,we went hunting for specialist houses in Kangar.Haha,imagine how boring Kangar is and we're desperate to do something fun.
After that,we went to pick up another friend and we went to Kuala Perlis.Initial plan was to watch the 'mat rempits'.They are good here.I think those good ones in KL must have come from Perlis la.Huhu.Sadly,we didn't see much action and went back to send our friend home.She has oncall in the morning.Since we're still hungry,we went to KFC.It's seriously packed with people.
Only after our 'makan' we went back to the hostel.

Last year,I remembered I was in the bus back to KL.And the 'mat rempits' was doing their thing in the highway.With the police chasing them.

New Department.

Currently I'm in the Obstetrics&Gynae posting.
No proper words to describe it.Pray that I come out alive and passing the exams.
Everything would be better without the 'ayam sakti'.
If I keep saying this..God will constantly make me meet her all the time.Haih.
Anyone wants to see childbirth?Or smell the amniotic fluid?

Over The Weekend..

Nothing to be scared off...

A Walk Down 17 Halaman Kikik

I currently live in KL.I grew up in Penang.And I lived in Taman Inderawasih.The last time I went back was a year ago,when we were on the way to Kangar for the 1st time.Last weekend,I got the chance to go back to Inderawasih to handle some matters.This house has so many memories of my family which included my late father.The house is currently in a sad state because no one lives there.

The view from the front.It's a double-storey semi-detached house.
My old bike.Which I used to scout around boys in the taman.Hehe..JK.

The only car that was allowed to park in the front garage was my father's Volkswagen.

The front porch.My father likes to read newspaper here.And my mother likes to sit here.

The Simplest Luxury

I've been absent for almost 2 weeks..anyway,I just finished my ENT finals today and I got a nose case.And I'm free tomorrow..Yippee!except a thanks to the overeager group member who make us have to come to the hospital tomorrow...

Anyway..(again)I feel so free tonight..I can sleep nicely tonight and tomorrow..That's my simple luxury that I seldom get..Thank You God.

P.S , I noticed that this blog looks empty without pictures...must hunt for more pics soon!

I live in a Hostel

with the river community..haih.currently they are quiet.Because tomorrow is a test day for them.

The usual hostel going ons;
1. Rubbish are thrown everywhere,all over the cooridors.
2. They even throw stuffs on my shoe rack!(e.g:crumpled tissues,plastic cups with ants..etc)
3. Swept all the dirts under my shoe rack and the area surrounding it.
4. Hang all their minis in unappropriate places(my place! and push mine away!)
5. Filling my unwashed cups and bowls at the sink with food leftovers..etc(eewww!)
6. Failed to wash away the soap on the bathroom floor after bathing,making it slippery
7. Peeing on the floor instead of in the toilet bowl!and not washing the floor after that..haih
8. Not switching off the bathroom light making the insects gather in the bathroom

I complaint alot.
Other current updates;
1. I'm in the E&T dept now.Interesting.More interesting if its without the 'ayam sakti'
2. Just finished 'If You Could See Me Now' by C.Ahern.Nice.
3. Maraliner tickets to KL on the 23-24 Aug are sold out!
4. I'm back to fasting mode.
5. The new batch is here with 30 new people.The hospital is pack.Haih.

Just noticed

..that it's exactly 3 months since my father passed away.Time flies really fast.It felt as if it happened last week..

And they are putting the gravestone for dad this coming Sunday.Mom ordered green marble.Dad likes green,his favourite colour.And there will be prayers for my father and grandfather(passed away 2 weeks earlier than dad) this Sunday in my uncle's house in Shah Alam after Zohor prayers.

Al-Fatihah..

Random Stuffs

I was really happy and excited around this time last week.And I craved for more of those times.

Things are just looking bleak.Maybe I made it that way.So many things I have to be grateful for and this period of time where things are just not flowing nicely will be gone soon.

I was home over the weekend.My trips to KL and Kangar are very frequent nowadays and my body is tired.Shall take a break for 2-3 weeks.

People around me are ~!@#$%^&^^$#!~...........hehehe....really.

Pray that I would bounce back to life as soon as possible.

31st July 1983

Happy 25th Anniversary to my parents...

Be strong Ma..

P.S:Dinner sorang2 la....hehe

Fireworks!

And a meal at Woodlands Vegetarian Restaurant..

a.k.a PERFECT!

I'm a ghost

I'm officially a ghost in the hostel..

Over The Weekend..

Arrived around 5am Saturday morning.Woke up when they reached the KL tol.Took my phone and saw 17 missed calls!Wow...no one have ever called me up to 17 times.Hehe,it's mum.Asking where I am.Since I arrived around 4am previously,she assumed that I would reach around the same time.So she waited for 40mins in the station.Haha.She should have come only after I called her....haih.The minute I got down,I got some nice lecture in front of everyone in the quiet station.Huhu.But I was too sleepy to pay attention.

Went back,prayed and slept.Woke up around 9.30,got ready and went to KLsentral.On the way to the Putra Komuter Station,some crazy fella was complaining about my flip flop making so much noise when I got down the stairs.He even shouted obscenities when I passed him.I pretended not to hear him and kept on walking,For all I know,he might be a schizophrenic..Die-la if he goes violent.Went to KLsentral to buy flight tickets for mum.Came back and had breakfast in a much quieter McD in The Mall.

In the afternoon,went to my dad's staff's wedding somewhere in Bangi.They invited my mother,since my mum was working so I went to represent her.I guess no one knew who I was,so I just sat down quietly and tried my best to enjoy the food.My father always enjoy this 'kenduri' food.While me and mum kept complaining most of the time.

Rushed back home after the wedding.Clean my face from the make up.And uncle came to pick us up to go back his 'kampung'.Visited dad.He still has 2 new neighbours.No more new arrival.I pray that he is fine somewhere in Barzakh.
After that,went to uncle's family's house.Picking 'rambutans',mangosteens....etc.'Musim buah'!

Before nightfall,we headed back to Shah Alam.They invited me to play badminton with them at night.While mum and aunts stayed in my aunts house,gossipping.
Came back hom around 12am,sent by my cousin.I wasn't feeling well.Mandi and straight away 'pengsan'.

Sunday morning,just laze around.Accompany mum to Masjid Jamek after her work.Had lunch in MFM Sogo.And shopped in The Mall on the way back home.I was already cranky then.
Bus to Kangar was a nice one,instead of a 4 seater bus.God really blessed me after feeling lousy for the whole day.

Stop And Stare

This town is colder now,
I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move,
I'm shakin off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal...
for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're 'here' not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can u see what I see

They're tryin to come back,
all my senses push
Un-tie the weight bags,
I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
I'm gonna run till you can't walk
Something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh

Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need
What u need, what u need...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be Oh,
do u see what I see...


-->Fair isn't what you really need

The Ugly Duckling

*migraine..migraine..migraine.....it's coming!*

I'm going to blog about other people.This is just base on my observations.Which may be wrong or right.

There's this girl I know.She wasn't hip,cool,pretty,popular..etc..etc..You get the picture.More like a nobody.And there's this group of people.Which is a total opposite of her.Currently,she has the chance in a lifetime to be with this group of people.Immediately,her principles change,her attitude towards others change to match with this group of people,her style change in someways but not much(maybe she couldn't afford what this group of people can afford),the way she talks more on looking down at others(which also match this group of people) and many others.

What I'm trying to point out is that females are very fragile.We tend to get jealous easily when another female has better stuffs,assets,looks prettier,attract more males...etc.Lost her true identity just because she needs to feel on par with certain people.Change her mentality,change her principles,and many more.Not totally comfortable with herself.

I've seen so many friends change because of this.Ditching the old friends which doesn't suit the new person she has become.I'm not saying that getting a new style is bad,changing your lifestyle to a healthier diet or trying to do facial or manicure,pedicure is bad...nope.It's actually good.But there's no need to change yourself,your mentality and all the good principles that you previously had to be with certain people.

Just love yourself for who you are.If someone brings a new positive thing,take it and make yourself more wonderful with one new positive input.

High temperature

I know my father passed away.That's a fact.He can't come back.Life goes on.Period.
But there's no need to be nasty.I know I expect too much.
But,do you need to make a face whenever I talked about my dad?(some people)
No one's perfect,I know.But it's not wrong for a daughter to idolised her father right?
In fact he was a better friend than you(some people)could ever be.
In fact I don't think I expect too much.

Either you or me need a psychiatrist.

Ideal Sunday Morning

...would be going out for breakfast to someplace good with the family.Buying newspapers and just discuss about the articles over breakfast.And go home after that.I thought of shopping but I hate the weekend crowd.And I also prefer the thought of absolute rest before starting another Monday.So,home it is.

Another choice would be going out for sports in the morning;tennis,swimming,jogging..etc.And then go for breakfast.It would be nice if having the breakfast in some clubhouse overseeing a terrific view.A spa would be nice before heading home.Haha...it's all just in my imagination.Haih.

Reality bites.

Public Health posting

At the vector control unit.The old fogging machine on display.

Field trip?Haha,went around finding the larva of mosquitoes.In a fishing village in Kuala Perlis.

The place where the larva was found.

Home visit in Bintong,Perlis.

And many more.....I only like the visiting part.Hehe,because I can't understand the theories.

Signs Of Migraine

I am already nauseous and don't feel well.Having mild headache which is pulsating in nature.

I am currently in the Public Health posting.And this week I am required to go house to house to find datas.For an antisocial me,it's terribly hard fighting with myself,to push myself to get my job done.

I remember when I was still fresh in Kangar and haven't got used to the long hours bus ride,when I got home,I used to climb onto my parents specially heated bed(they bought some special mattress for my father).The whole family(dad,mum and me) would cramped together in the same bed.Haha,imagine 3 adults fighting for space.And my father couldn't stop talking to me while I'm dozing off.It's annoying at the time.But now I miss it.

Cold fingers

I'm waiting to pray.

Just arrived from KL this morning at 6.30.Stressed during the early part of the journey due to the 4 seater bus they used for the journey back to Kangar.Anyway,since I ordered a single seater,I got 2 seats for myself.However,the seats were not comfy.Anyway,I managed to fall into deep sleep also.Amazing.
One of the O&G specialist was on the same bus with me.

During the weekend.Visited dad.Ordered his gravestone.We actually went to graves to see examples of the gravestones.And there's this grave belong to a girl 4 years younger than me,her gravestone is nice and mum and aunt wanted that kind for dad.The poor girl died of accident last year.Another thing that I learnt is that,if it's a guy's gravestone it would be round while girls would be flat.They will build it 3 months after the day of death.So it will be somewhere in August for my father.Ordering the gravestone felt like my father is a step further away from me.It's stupid I know,but I just couldn't help it.

Went to Madam Kwan in KLCC with mum.Remenisce the days when dad always wanted to go to Madam Kwan.With wheelchair.Bought 'P.S:I love you'.A book that probably suits my mum more.

11 days later...

...and I still don't have anything to write about.Actually,I do.But it's all full of negativity.So I refuse to write about it.So many things happened and I'm trying my best to sort out the good things out of it.Instead only the bad things are still swimming in my head.

Racking my head for the positive things;
1.I'm happy that I'm going back tonight
2.I'm happy that finally I manage to discipline myself to do laundry daily
3.I'm happy that I'm quiet this days and didn't get involve in gossiping other people.
4.I'm happy that I didn't choke to death while eating nasi goreng few days back
5.I'm happy that I wasn't that dependent on people last week

I think that still counts..

Cars Of Lurrvvee

The white car with plate number WBD 1424(his car)
The grey car with plate number KBV 55??(her car)

Apparently,cars of love decided to park themselves here,at my hostel parking lot.Taking advantage of the peacefulness in our area.The lady got out of her car and went into the guy's car.And you can guess the rest.Huhu.Perlis people do rock sometimes!

Short Break

I went back home on Tuesday night.Arrived in KL,Jalan Duta Station around 4.50am.My mother insisted that she wanted to pick me up.So I had to wait till 6.20am when she finally arrived with my aunt.Haih,thank God,everything was alright.That very day itself,I went to Dad's grave.Last time I went was 5-6 weeks back.Apparently,dad has a new neighbour now.(On his right side).Me,mum and aunt had to do some digging.Under the hot sun and people who passed by must have thought 3 crazy ladies wrecking graves under the hot sun.We must be out of our mines!haha..If they stopped and asked(which they didn't),I would have given a crazy reply..;) which is best I don't mention it here.Huhu.The truth is,we were trying to put more soil over dad's grave because it has already sunk.

On Thursday,I went for a shopping spree.On my own.At Sogo and the Masjid India area.Initial plan was lunch at Manhattan Fish Market.However,they are closed for renovation.So had briyani at Insaf.Bought several things,brooches for me and mum,bedsheets..etc.

Friday,I went to Ampang Point.To have lunch at Pelita.I have a big appetite nowadays.There,I've admit it.Also had Baskin-Robins.Haih,what would I do in a world without these great foods?

Saturday.Finally had my Grilled Norweign Salmon in MFM in Midvalley.Since I'm broke,I could only walked around and try not to spend my money.Haha,saw Maya Karin for some L'oreal promo.Crowd lined up to take turns to get their picture taken with her.Before I went back home,I decided to stopped by and 'lepak' at Starbucks the mall with my boyfriend.On the way,a girl came up to me frantically and said that she was a victim of a snatch-thief.Being me,I took quite some time to digest the info,also trying to be cautious if I was played around by her.I don't quite remember the dialog between her and me.Just that in the end I decided to help her.So called her HP.To see if those thiefs would answer it,while inside my head,I was trying to find the nearest police station.Then she asked me to call her uncle.She said she wanted to talk to him.Told her that I don't know her and I don't trust her with my HP(who knows she'll snatch it and ran off).Put on a loudspeaker.She insisted to hold the phone,by that time my boyfriend had come by.In case anything happened,he would be around.Finally the girl said that her uncle wants to speak to me..He went around the bush talking nonsense and finally told me I was tricked.And that I was in some show,which I myself don't know.Asked me to look at the camera.There's 2 cameras.Hahaha.And I could still blurly ask,so this is just a tricked lah?Still feeling blur and they asked me to fill some forms and they gave me rm10.For my good deeds.

So when will I masuk TV???

As for Sunday,nothing much.I was already cranky enough,with the thought of me going back to Kangar.Added with headache and 'telinga sakit'..what you call that?Ear hurts?Ear pain?I even forget the medical term for it...Hish.So I slept most of the time.Took the night bus to Kangar.
Arrived in Kangar at 4.50am.And again the so-called admin fella didn't pick me up.This is the 3rd time!Nevermind,he's not reliable when it comes to girls like me.Not pretty,I don't leave my long hair flowing,don't wear skirts,don't have sexy legs...etc.I think you get the picture.Haha.Anyway,thanks to God,I am alive and safe.

I'm Stuck In a Web

Because I made myself felt that way.Shouldn't have done that.So many shouldn't have done's.Haih.So many conflicts that I end up being obsessive and making rash decisions.Lessons to learn from here is that stay out of other poeple's business and don't tell people too much of your thoughts,plans etc..,even if it's your close friend.

It's a Saturday and finals are on Monday.I'm taking the night bus on Tuesday.Usually I would have taken the earliest bus that I can get.However,I just need time on my own completely comitment-less.Is there such word?

The river community is blasting off their stereos.Practically all of them have their own speakers.I guess that would exclude me.

I need to come back down to earth.

40th Day

Ayah's last Hari Raya

Today is the 40th day of my father's passing.There'll be a prayer held in Jakarta before Zuhur organise by mum's family.And another one tomorrow in a mosque in Damansara(the mosque where my father usually went for Friday prayers) organised by his staffs.

Happy Father's Day Ayah

Rainy Perlis

The VIP's of the river community on my floor went back to their respective homes.Thank God for the tranquility.Finally I can really hear the sounds of raindrops.It's so quiet.A real blessing.Other than that,my finals is on the 23rd.I can't hardly wait to go home on 24th night bus.Let's hope that the lecturer does come on time instead of postponing to a later day that week.Apparently the bus fares is not increase.So I went and bought the ticket much earlier,in case they change their mind last minute.I also heard that some buses from Alor Star did ask for extra charge during the bus ride.Smart thing.They asked when the passengers are already well on the way.Which means somewhere in Perak.They threatened the passengers to pay else get down there.Mean people.So I jokingly asked the counter person,how come not increase and will the drivers ask for extras later on the bus ride.According to him,no such thing.Well Transnasional has a reputation to take care.Don't go messing around.

There's this female surgical MO that my group despise.I guess the peak of the whole conflict was yesterday when we refused to follow her rounds,and only joined in when the surgeon came for rounds.Huhuhu...Well,keep on thinking that you're so good.(To the MO)

Me and mum continuing with our life.However,mum hasn't recover from her cough.We are trying our best not to put high expectations on people.People always said that if we have problem,all we can do is just give them a call..really?But how much of those lines are true?People who really want to help?Not much.Even though,to some which dad has already entrusted them to help the family.Haih.Humans.Not to mention,we don't even have family members calling or smsing just checking how we're doing.I guess that only happened when dad is still around and stop when he's gone.Expectations can kill.

Oily

Everyone's talking about the oil prices this days..maybe it doesn't effect me directly because I don't own a vehicle.However people are taking this opportunity to raise prices of things.Well,that will effect me.Also the bus fares.Heard that in the newspapers the bus fare from KL-JB can go as high as rm60?Madness..how about KL-Kangar?Currently I'm very reluctant to spend so much of my mother's money because she's my only source to get money.If it goes up to that much,that's mean wei..

Life would be hard now.More people are going to start stealing and con other people for the sake of money..

About the driver whom we suspected to steal rm2k from my friend,he admitted that he did take the money.From what I heard he earns about rm1200 per month.For a driver that's very impressive and he only has a wife and a child(that we know of-la).He kept telling us 'he perlu duit'.Whatever for?If he knows how to save,I think rm1200 would be enough for 3 people.
The story will continue tomorrow.There will be a meeting between him and the coordinator tomorrow.

As for me,nothing going on much.Just the same boring old routine.I'm not Astro unlike someone I know who feeds on the going-on's in the personal life for doctors in HTF.I think she knows who's married to who(for every docs),which new car the doc just bought,how many children they have..etc..etc.At least if we know who's married to who,we don't want to make any headlines with someone else's spouse right?

Oh-NO

Petrol naik harga..the express buses company on strike?Mum said they going to cut down the number of trips they make.Aiyoo..Kangar-KL so far la weh..
Pak Lah,petrol naik harga,gaji tak naik ke?

Sempurna

Kau begitu sempurna
Dimataku kau begitu indah
kau membuat diriku
akan slalu memujamu

Disetiap langkahku
Kukan slalu memikirkan dirimu
Tak bisa kubayangkan
hidupku tanpa cintamu

*Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa

Reff:
Kau adalah darahku
Kau adalah jantungku
Kau adalah hidupku
Lengkapi diriku
Oh sayangku, kau begitu
Sempurna.. Sempurna..

Kau genggam tanganku
Saat diriku lemah dan terjatuh
Kau bisikkan kata dan hapus semua sesalku

-for my father

If this happens to me..

A friend noticed that someone stole her money today.From the drawers.She lost somewhere nearly RM2k..and about 300USD.Adoi...if it were to be me,I'd cry my eyeballs out by now.The main suspect was the driver and he quits directly after the admin asked him whether he had entered my friend's room.Without an answer for the q or giving any notice he just left.My group found out when we asked him to come and fetch us at the hospital and he told us that we need to call the admin guy because he no longer works there and he quits....Madness..How did he feed his child from stolen money?

Stress..stress..stress

Tell me,who has a completely stress-free life?What a hypocrite!Haih..I'm beginning to complaint too much.
I did quite well in being silent and suppressing myself not to speak out my thoughts.And that's been going good so far.However I can't stop the running commentaries inside my head if I feel the urge to comment on something.At least,it's not spoken outloud and saves me from trouble.Just now,I so much wanted to say to an Ortho MO to go and seek help from the psychiatrist in the hospital.Hahaha..because he said that he was offered a position to teach us,students and that he loves to teach and he has a huge problem with his temper!He needs to enroll himself to an anger-management crash course!

Can you imagine in the old days where the ladies used to wash clothes by the stream and several other villagers doing all sorts of activities by the river.And how this people communicate?Shouting across the river or just simply having conversations by shouting,yelling out the sentences(sorry for the inappropriate description)....That's how the communication works in my floor.Just imaginelah,so maju la this people..(sabar itu separuh daripada iman).

This week,is Ortho dept.First thing that we must do was clerking and ortho case.I surrender,I admit that I have no idea where to start.And my clerking sucks..and I was reluctant the whole day to present the case.What is this?Since when presenting cases poorly would kill me?I'm giving up so fast..

Mum not feeling well..poor her.The whole house is packed with 7 people(in a condo)!So these people are being generous.They are spreading the virus around free-of-charge.

3 weeks has passed

There are still some of them still giving me their condolences.I appeared calm and happy as I said 'thank you'.Do I really feel the same way as I looked?All that smiling and calm,blank faces..is just a part of the process of forcing myself to move on.I told my mother to move on with life and not to depend on anyone.It's hard but at some point you'll get over the hard stage.With her being in the very house where my father used to live and me meeting so many cancer patients each day.Today itself,I met a new patient with advanced breast cancer.She's a nurse,diagnosed with breast cancer 5 years ago and refused chemo.So she decided to take up the traditional treatment.According to daughter-in-law,the lump resolved.And last week she developed stroke and went to the hospital,did a thorough investigation and they found out it has already spread to lungs,liver and brain.It's too late to do anything.All they can do is make her comfortable and wait.

I came across "Kenny Sia's" webpage.In his biography,he stated that he came back to Kuching because he wanted to be by his father's side who also had late stage kidney cancer.His father passed away in 2005.Doctor's said cancer in the kidney is rare,but now and then I do find people with the same problem as my father.
I miss my father dearly.

Just went surfing through the MAKNA webpage.All the survivor stories.Most of them are kids who had leukemia.Not much from the adults.And most of them detect the cancer at an early stage.Shouldn't be a problem.

Currently,I don't know what to feel.I've been trying to get a new phone line,new stuffs..maybe it's a way for me to get things of my mind.I hope this habit doesn't go overboard.

Before noon

The cat family I saw this morning.

As I was getting down the stairs this morning I saw this cat family in front of the hostel.Went to say good morning to them.I'm not an animal lover,let alone cats.I prefer dogs,just that I can't have one.Anyway,to see the different colours of the fur between this cats made me think.How can a grey male cat with a white female cat produced a kitten with 3 colours?Black,brown and white.Back to biology.Hmm..Maybe I am in a baby mood these few days that I was interested in having a look at the kitten.

The view of the cooridoors today.

Boy,it's starting to stink!Don't get it wrong.Not mine.I hope they clean it up by today.Else,it'll be much worse by tomorrow.Very unhealthy.

I'm going to change my handphone number later.But it's still hot outside.And I have to go alone.The driver is not functioning normally nowadays.I'm still lazy to walk to town under the hot sun.

Extreme Heat

It's so hot that I always ended up with daily headache.When I was little,I always had nosebleed whenever the weather was warm.Nowadays,I need to sleep early because of severe headache.1 caplet of ponstan is not enough.Always need to add paracetamol to it.Try my best to sleep in the midst of chaos here..and thank God,I woke up without a headache.

Yesterday was a sleeping marathon.Not a true marathon like in the old days,however you can consider it as such compared to the current amount of sleep I get these days.I slept from 10.30am to 4pm.That's about 5 hour and a half.And continuing from 9.30pm to 6am.That's another 8 hour and a half.Wow!Thank God again the mid exam was cancelled today.Else I'd be screwed.

I can't do anything to change the temperature.I can only stay out of it.Can I?
Drink a lot of water..and cool myself off with bathing.Imagine the cold water can turn to warm water when it rinses my head!

Today Is Sunday

I am traumatized.Currently it's 11.30pm.When the clocks strikes 12.20am,it's exactly 2 weeks since my father's passing.I dreaded it.Everything that has happened will replay in my head.

I'm still living..alive but not kicking.I may look happy on the outside and as if nothing happened,only God knows what's in my head.Also for those who has been in the same situation as me.I'm very sure I am not alone.

For me to see so many cancer cases in the ward daily,it's very hard.Every complication reminds me of my father and how much he had suffered.I told him so many times,that he's not the only one.I'm determine to be an oncologist one day.

You don't feel it much when it happened.But it's much more obvious now.No more phone calls from my father,no more scoldings from him,no more his famous line "kamu ni keras kepala".Hehe.Can't seek advice from him,can't bug him or purposely piss him off.

Yes,his daughter misses him dearly.Nadya rindu ayah..

My Father(1957-2008)

My beloved father Dr.Noor Hisham b.Ramly,passed away on the 5th of May 2008.He was diagnosed with renal cell carcinoma since Nov 2006.Things just got worst for him and he was in so much pain.Was warded in HUKM-MAKNA for 2 months before he left us.He wanted to come home so much,sadly because of his bedsore we never agreed to it.God loves him more and it was already his time.Because he was really suffering,we're not so reluctant when he left.He's deeply missed and his passing left a huge impact on the family.We pray that he is in a better place and well taken-care by God.Amin.

Somethings from Facebook

You know they have these quizes in facebook and better ones in tickle.The kind to get to know yourself?Here's some that I did in facebook.

What song are you?
My result is: One Step Closer - Linkin Park

You are One Step Closer by Linkin Park Inside you are very angry. You believe that no one really understands you and will not listen to you. You try to gain peoples attention by doing drastic things. You are also very independent. You desire to speak for yourself and wish that everyone would stop telling you how to live your life
-->Well,I didn't know that I'm that angry.The second line is most probably true,I do feel that.However,I don't like the spotlight,makes me uneasy and I have the obsession to do things right,so when it goes wrong..I'll have that nagging thought in my head.Is that obsessive compulsive?I am independent,at least I think so.I do speak for myself and what I think..sometimes it landed me trouble.Especially when people wanted me to voice out their opinion,and I got backstabbed in the end.Not nice.Yeah,and I also don't like people telling me what I'm supposed to say.I really hate that.Don't put words in my mouth!

What magical creature are you?
My result is: Unicorn

You are beautiful and pure. You make people stare and you're friends with only a few
-->Me?Beautiful,pure and make people stare?Haha,are you kidding me?Yeah,I rarely have good friends and I'm only friends with only a few.

Abit of Moral Lesson

Last Saturday,our university held the convocation.One of the students who went for convo,died the next day(Sunday).She was believed to be murdered and the suspect is her own boyfriend.Her body was found on Sunday itself and brought to the hospital for post-mortem.I am not sure the findings and the progress of this case.Because I only heard of it from people.However,come to think of it,imagine how her parents would feel.Freshly graduated,just one day,haven't even worked as a doctor and found dead.People said her parents were hysterical.Which parents wouldn't be?Maybe the ignorant ones,but let's forget about those kind of people.
What I wanted to say is that,all throughout this week,I thought like I'm having a major problem,that God was testing me and I felt that it's cruel,when someone else,is tested severely at the same time.We don't know people,in some other place might be having a much more worse problem than we do.I have so much to be thankful for.Even though that I feel my surroundings sucks,I must always remind myself that this isn't so bad.Not bad enough to kill me.Suffer?Definately..But sometimes we need sufferings to bring our feet back down to earth.

Blurry

Everythings so blurry
And everyones so fake
And everybodys so empty
And everything is so messed up
Pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
You could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that Ill protect you
From all of the obscene
I wonder what your doing
Imagine where you are
Theres oceans in between us
But thats not very far
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
When ya shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
When ya shoved it in my face
Everyone is changing
Theres noone left thats real
To make up your own ending
And let me know just how you feel
Cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
You could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I will save you
From all of the unclean
I wonder what your doing
I wonder where you are
Theres oceans in between us
But thats not very far
[chorus]
Nobody told me what you thought
Nobody told me what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Told you where to runaway
Nobody told you where to hide
Nobody told you what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Showed you where to runaway
[chorus]
This pain you gave to me
You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me


Frankly,I am in a mess.My one and only true friend had left me.Been trying to hide it from people for quite sometime.I'd say I am doing quite well sealing it.Managing it while having 2 finals in a week.Couldn't possibly talk to my parents about it.Honestly,I was on the verge of getting very hysterical.My surroundings are not helping me.Used to have people around to hang out with me,just to make me feel that I have company.Those people abandoned me for some other people.New friends,and they've forgotten me.Such fake people.When they want something,they'll come back.Thank you God,I've learnt the hard way to manage my feelings on my own and YOU gave me the success of passing both exams.That's my reward.If my heart is meant to get hurt all the time,I accept it.

A Quick Recap

So many things have been going on,just going to list a few that I still can remember:

1. Went back KL for the weekend.Arrived in Pudu at 4.30am.I thought that bus supposed to arrive around 6am,so that made it easy for me to take LRT and go home straight away.So,lepak around in a mamak shop until it was 6am.Went to the LRT gate,and it's not opened yet,so had to wait.Met dad later and he was in a sad condition.I refuse to elaborate further.Anyway,on the same day itself,my grandfather passed away.So most of the family members went back to Ipoh that night itself.Mum and I,didn't go.We took care of dad.And no one could sent me to the bus station on Sunday night.So mum did.Thank God that she could manage to go home safely.Initially,I thought my bus was at 11pm,met my friend who's on the 11pm bus.I was happy.Luckily I checked,I'm supposed to board the 10.30pm bus!

2. I called our beloved supposed-to-be guardian in Kangar to fetch me at 4am.Called so many times,and the irresponsible creature didn't pick up the phone.So,I had to take the taxi for rm10 for such a short distance.Thank You God,that I'm still alive and well.

3. Got to know that morning itself,that one of the students attempted suicide by taking 50 tabs of paracetamol,3 strips of acyclovir,Loratadine,Ampicillin..etc.The reason is probably some misunderstanding with her boyfriend.I don't want to get involve.Call me ignorant or heartless,I've got quite a taste of it being involved with this people.

4. For the hectic week,with 2 finals in a week,Thank You God,I passed both exams.

Currently I'm in the surgical posting.I'm determine to start fresh and make the rest of the postings interesting.

18 days later

I've been busy.And I've also been in the dumps lately.The 'week' that I've been waiting for months is finally over.The week where I'm supposed to have 2 final exams.Both medical and neurology.I don't know how I did,the results are not out yet.I'm just simply relieve that it's over.Side effects from all this stress is severe headache,which I am still having now.Will be in here more often after this,I hope.

I'm Pissed-full

My boyfriend once said that I'm very pessimistic.I'm against practically everything in this world.Everything seemed to piss me off.All my entries are just about negativity.As for today,itself:

1. This morning,our asshole driver went off to send people for breakfast and didn't turn back to take some of us,who's just a bit late(I was in the toilet,stomach ache).When we're early,he's late.When we're a little bit late he acts as if we're really late and yelled at us.Really uneducated.Acts as if he knows everything.

2. The van that sent us to the hospital is cramped,so for 3 seats,4 people will sit on that row,some girl asked me to move all the way in,because she didn't let anyone sit beside her boyfriend.No courtesy to move further in!To let others sit.

3. Plastic face was acting all smart like usual.But I don't know why that lately whenever I looked at her I just felt disgusted.

4. Our visiting lecturer kept telling that we're doing clinical in a hospital with not many neuro cases.And again the same issues of that we're not able to manage the patients on our own.For your information Sir,not everyone who's doing clinical in your place is smart just because they can manage their own patient.Duh~

5. I think I must have fainted today.I slept from 2pm to 6pm.Without getting up in the middle of it.Feeling remorse after that for not using my time wisely.

6. I was reluctant to clerk or examine patients during oncall.

7. Mum called telling about the nurses in HUKM.Tell me,how can a patient afraid to pass motion just because he knows that the nurses will ignore him,if do so?Don't want to clean it up and when you buzzed them,now it takes more than 30 minutes for them to attend to patients?What a bunch of bitches..Florence Nightingale will commit suicide when she sees her colleagues had turn into self-centered bitches.

By the way,to sum up what Dr Ismail Merican said about treatment towards the patients:To treat the patients the way you want to be treated,to treat them like as if it's your family,must also treat with kindness...Well??